Dubai Forums Dubai Discussions Dubai General Chat

The Drunk and a Priest

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned."

Then the priest replied, "How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "It says in the paper, that the Pope has Arthritis.”



Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
“You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Bill and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After
a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Bill, our prayers have been answered."





A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Some about "Little Johnny"

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."


He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"


Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

==========================================

One day theres a couple of kids in a phycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"

To which Little Johnny replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"

==========================================
priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching Little Johnny efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which Little Johnny replies, "Now we run!"

An all time favorate

Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee
---------------------------------


>>> Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and
his
>>> mum
>>> has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and
>>> Little
>>> Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits
there
>>> and
>>> enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze
>>> artists,
>>> and
>>> finally out comes little Johnny's favorites, the clowns.
>>> Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of
the
>>> clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end
of
>>> an
>>> ass?'
>>> 'No,' replies little Johnny.
>>> 'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
>>> 'No,' replies little Johnny again
>>> 'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
>>> Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all
the
>>> way
>>> home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little
>>> Johnny
>>> don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
backchat
>>> and
>>> repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the
circus
>>> and he
>>> will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers
up
>>> and
>>> looks forward to the next night.
>>> The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of
>>> lightning
>>> wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off
for
>>> the
>>> circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle
Marvo,
>>> the
>>> master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy
the
>>> lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then
out
>>> come
>>> the clowns.
>>> Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of
the
>>> clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end
of
>>> an
>>> ass?'
>>> Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
backchat
>>> and
>>> repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
>>> 'Feck off you Red nosed C@nt!'

[quote="G"]An all time favorate

Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee
---------------------------------


>>> Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
backchat
>>> and
>>> repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
>>> 'Feck off you Red nosed C@nt!'[/quote


...love it!

Little American humor

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot.


The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"???


The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please".???


The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.
The robot then asked "sir, what is your IQ?"? The man answered "oh,
about 164."


The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel' 'the latest medical break throughs'
etc........


The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have??


'A Martini please'.


Again it was superb.The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?' This
time the man answered "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing
Nascar racing, the latest baseball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.


The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"??? This
time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50"..


The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked " A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

dbxsoul wrote:Little American humor

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot.


The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"???


The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please".???


The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.
The robot then asked "sir, what is your IQ?"? The man answered "oh,
about 164."


The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel' 'the latest medical break throughs'
etc........


The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have??


'A Martini please'.


Again it was superb.The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?' This
time the man answered "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing
Nascar racing, the latest baseball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.


The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"??? This
time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50"..


The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked " A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

I was actually at the bar and overhear what the robot said the third time aroound. And it was: "W-H-Y-O-N-E-A-R-T-H-D-I-D-Y-O-U-R-P-E-O-P-L-E-E-L-E-C-T-A-N-A-P-E-T-O-B-E-P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T-I-N-2-0-0-4!

So whoever told you the original "joke" was not there!

mmmm ... like one of those movie dvd's where you can select your own ending... in this case both are equally as funny (or as bad)