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Dad's Job

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"



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Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was
in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl
asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know,
here
I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
"Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with
his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and
set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story: Never, ever lie to a female....OF ANY AGE!!!

An Indian and a Brit were neighbors. The Brit was always trying to one-up the Indian by virtue of the fact he thought he was better....

The Indian would buy a E class Benz. The Brit an S class.

The Indian would buy a Boxster. The Brit a 911 GT.

The Indian would buy a speed boat. The Brit a yacht.

One day the Indian came up to the Brit's home and rang the door bell. Brit answers, then the Indian says, "ÿou know, no matter how hard you try to one-up me, I will always have something on you". Brit is confused. Indian continues "I live next to a Brit, but you have an Indian for a neighbor". The Indian walks off laughing.

Nice one Liban

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How guys select the girl they want to marry.....


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.


She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man is impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.


Guess which lady he chose to marry?



Think like a man . . .




(scroll down for the answer )

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* > > > > > > > He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

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* > > > > > > > Men are Men.... Obviously!!!
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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

A nun goes for a urine test and by mistake the lab tech switched hers with someone's
Her Doc tells her (nun) she's pregnant and nun shouts
"Holy Mary, Mother of Christ now I can't even trust candles"

Three Guys -
A farmer from Canada, Osama bin Ladin, and an
Aussie engineer, all come across the proverbial magic
lantern. Upon rubbing it, a genie pops out of it and says,
"I will give you each one wish".
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer and my son will be a farmer too. I want the land
to be forever fertile in Canada.
Pooooof ! With a blink of an eye the genie turned the
Canadian land fertile.
Osama was amazed, so he said.
"I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so
that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our
precious states."
Poooof ! Again with a blink of an eye the genie created
this huge towering wall around all those countries.
The Aussie engineer thought momentarily and then said,
"I am curious, Genie, please tell me more about this wall!"
To which the genie explains,
"Well let's see....it's about 500 feet high, 500 hundred
feet thick, nothing can get in or out of it. It's impenetrable.
The Aussie engineer then says with a grin,
"....FILL IT WITH WATER, Mate!"

Interpreter for Deaf-Mute Plays Dumb !!!

The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can’t sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.

"Ask him where the money is," says the don. The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The collector signs, "I don’t know what you’re talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don’t know what you’re talking about." The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy’s ear.

"Now ask him where the money is."

The deaf man signs frantically, "It’s in Central Park, in the third tree stump on "

The interpreter says, "He says he still don’t know what you’re talking about, and that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."

There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life. Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper. She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day. In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.

The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage. She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks, "Do you like it? Do you like it? The parrot drolly says, "nice f...n’ cage".

Well!!! The little old lady's hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
"There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!" Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.

A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible. After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot. To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present. There she found a beautiful perch - top of the line - the very best perch that money could buy. She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage - looking expectantly at the parrot; "Do you like it? Do you like it?"
"The parrot looks the perch over and says (dripping with sarcasm) "nice f...n’ perch".

WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen. "I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences". She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.

An hour or so goes by and she thinks he's probably learned his lesson. Opening the freezer door, the parrot cames toddling out and says, "One question; what the f..k did the chicken do?"

A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

The Beemer


A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sxxt yourself when I tell you the price."

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

Is that supposed to be funny or just your attempt at "political" agendas?

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

FAIL'D

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his love life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're making love?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once whilst making love; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ireland sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Ireland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in
Ireland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Ireland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Ireland have a last barby before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miamiare extinct.
People in Ireland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Ireland throw on a light jacket.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Ireland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Irish cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.
- 460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Ireland start saying "It's a biting cold ...?"
- 500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Irish people support England in the World Cup.
============================================

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

Concord wrote:

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

Is that supposed to be funny or just your attempt at "political" agendas?

well im sorry if u think that ..but i thout it will be funny ..and im sorry again..i didnt mean to be racist.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Nick81 wrote:

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

FAIL'D

well sorry u didnt like it

Mindnu wrote:At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

14. Every time you opened the Windows, the car would inexplicably crash and you would have to send Bill Gates $10!



Knight

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

Nice thread

This important information will help the women this summer

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For Ladies Ladies, read carefully to the end.
This info is going to be very useful this summer...
You are in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you simply must have.
The female shopper in front of you(u r second in queue) has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses at home.
so no money to buy the shoes.
It would be totally rude and useless to push the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper(first in the queue) and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she(ur friend) could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, 'whilst it is in flight' you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had 'actually been thrown' it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Now u must be wondering why i have posted this scroll down

Congratulations to women - You have just learned the offside rule!

Enjoy the World Cup if i wudnt have posted this, the women wud never ever had learned the offside rule cuz for their dumbness

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, their stands Bob, the next doors
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800
dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back
up
in the towel and goes back upstairs to disclose to her
husband.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next
door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband
says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars
he owes me?"