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Just wondered what you guys thought about this. Was having a girly chat with some friends and a couple of them are in long term reltaionships, but they don't seem to be going anywhere, I mean stuck sort of dating, whatever for a few years, they want it to become more serious - moving in together etc, but the blokes seem totally uninterested. It seems to be happening to quite a lot of people I know, both parties are normally in their 30's, obviously the owmen get paranoid that their time is running out, but the blokes just seem to be happy plodding along - what's up with that?

One of my friends is to the point where she's now put a time limit and if she feels the whole thing will amount to nothing, will just quit the relationship.

Any comments?

Men's brains despite thousands of yrs of evulotion is still not wired to settle down because of there yrs of roaming land hunting and looking for a kill.
On the other Hand women's brain is wired to settle down.
Try to get a copy of Why Men Lie & Women Cry.

I read Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars - what an eye opener that was! But all so so true.

Trouble is us girls have an inbuilt clock and we start panicking at a certain age.

That panick tends to be reflective of the guy as well. Probably a case of not wanting to be pressured into commitment cause by that age guys tend to realise and start thinking of the "what ifs" in their younger years. When they look at the situation now they realise what they have now compared to before and its not long before you start thinking of the grass on the other side of the paddock.

I know many guys who are in their 30s (with some bordering 40) and feel they could easily just be in a (casual) relationship with a girl much younger (20s) who are under the impression that with age comes wisdom and security. Compare these younger girls who could still give a good time window before commitment with someone who is looking for commitment, marriage, family etc in the shorter term and you can see the selfishness wired in us.

X, that's the other thing, when women hit their 30's they also get worried that they'll always be passed over for a younger women. Guys often don't realise that women aren't actually at their s.e.x.ual peak until they hit their late 20's early 30's, whereas guys, sad to say you've had your peak at 18!

Seriously it's quite sad though as many women at this age wonder what the hell is wrong with them that no guy has wanted to settle with them yet. Plus also is it fair to keep someone hanging on in a long term reltaionship without making a committment?

choc
i guess now a days it aint what it used to be like...you wait a while and wait some more...and sometimes when you've been in that "the one" relationship and come out of it to pursue other ones...i think guys just dont want to settle down after that...its like not repeating the same mistakes(if thats what they think it was)...or just valuing your time and freedom too much...and the mentality just comes out as "why fix it if aint broke"....moving in togeather takes a certain kind of constitution...thats the kind of person who is ready for that commitment and usually ready to take the next step...i think perhaps what your girlfriends really need to ask themselves more than any other person including thier better halfs...is "IS he really into me?"...if not....

Chocs, u are quite right in that notion but simple fact is that guys are selfish by nature and as Conno has pointed out they tend to shy away from commitment even more if they have come out of a long term relationship.

Logically speaking, of course it is not fair to dangle a carrot there but on the one hand no guy wants to end up alone but on the other they don't want to be tied down if something better comes along. Selfish, I know and not all guys think this way but thats what the dating period is meant to do - bring these points to light. Sometimes you really do need to cut the cord if u feel u're man falls into this category and move on. Cause chances are he's still there out of comfort, obligation or fear of loneliness.

nothing more to add as all has been said....

the biological clock ticks away faster for girls and after a certain age they tend to become insecure despite their financial independence..

men by nature wander and tend to look out for variety in life... and even if they are committed, they hesitate to tie the nuptial knot as they fear the responsibilities attached to it.

unfortunately, there is a clash of interests and thoughts here and so the things would remain like this in general..

its required for the girls to be prudent in the beginning and proactive during their relationships to protect their interests..

Only the woman will know how long she feels she can wait, but I think that any man who has a girlfriend approaching 30 or already in her 30's, yet he doesn't want to commit, should break off with her or prepare to be dumped. The woman should be free to find a guy who is willing to settle down and not waste any more valuable child bearing years waiting for the guy to make up his mind.

kanelli wrote:Only the woman will know how long she feels she can wait, but I think that any man who has a girlfriend approaching 30 or already in her 30's, yet he doesn't want to commit, should break off with her or prepare to be dumped. The woman should be free to find a guy who is willing to settle down and not waste any more valuable child bearing years waiting for the guy to make up his mind.

Damn, you are no longer allowed to hang out with Mrs. Fayz.

Seriously, guys are simple, if it ain't broke don't fix. If your friend however is not happy then something is broke and she needs to highlight that to her partner. If children are something she wants and she is already in her 30's then commitments/futures should be discussed. the root diff between men and women is women overthink men underthink.

Yes, my comments were mainly for the women who want children. For women who don't, they are less likely to be worried about not getting married, although some still want the whole dream wedding and the commitment, so you never can be sure.

kanelli wrote:Yes, my comments were mainly for the women who want children. For women who don't, they are less likely to be worried about not getting married, although some still want the whole dream wedding and the commitment, so you never can be sure.

GOOD DAY EVERYONE.. DFers'..as I read the lines and in between those lines I find it irrissistible to share my "real thing" as gives me an avenue of uploading comfort and relief....becoming a member is a previlige I find all issues posted very interesting, funny educational and informative.

As chocs' inquiry somehow stunned me..for I ENVY those woman who got the chance to choose and wait(i have a different story) with a grand wedding at 17 and become a mother of three at 20 ? and living with the same man for 21 yrs ?...this "family and culture thing" has been the core of it....with no choice I must find the means to obtain what has been laid down....Rain appears as well as sunshine..in spite of adverse circumstances..I choose and wait..I understand marriage life is never intended to swim in tears..IF..IF...IF...proper connection and emphasis of "CHOOSING AND WAITING". is placed...to top it all "PLANNING"....to cut short beating the odds is far from over.... for the first time I smell freedom

Is my clock ticking? am i worried?being 40 My life has just started!..I dont think for a minute that GOD intended life to be one glorified picnic....I BELIEVE that being fulfilled as a woman, a business and career oriented community leader and respected..life has many things to offer ...I have to GO as I venture through life..my avatar speaks itself THAT I must also GROW as I journey life......

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HABIT IS SECOND NATURE

Wafaey wrote:Men's brains despite thousands of yrs of evulotion is still not wired to settle down because of there yrs of roaming land hunting and looking for a kill.
On the other Hand women's brain is wired to settle down.
Try to get a copy of Why Men Lie & Women Cry.

I totally diasagree outnumbering woman "ONLY" cries and wired to settle down ?...man has sexual needs these are not wrong and unnatural..sex is clean and noble WHEN excercised according to GODs principles..WE "THE WOMAN" is vital and the richest source of happiness in MENS life.. RESULT?PURE JOY!.....LET me share you some factual exploration and experiences some of greatest ecstacies of real ''EQUATION"...its like a car cannot operate without a fuel..

no one wants to be lonely..MAN needs companion..NO ONE CAN FILL IT like a loving woman..( unless gay...!!!!)

man needs children..no man's complete without them.woman make him fulfill his greates cycle,the "PERPETUATION OF THE RACE"....

man needs encouragement and high ideals..many times the struggles of life are too heavy...the competetion of business and profession produce weariness and discouragement? well, its the dear woman who stand by and restore the faded spirit...for better and for worse...

and i have seen many men in my life cried because they are brave enough to show they're hurt and struggle to bring back LOVE again..
what i want to say..TRUE LOVE IS worth emulating and fighting..when it comes from the heart not from the mouth...
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HABIT IS SECOND NATURE

I like your post Vicky, thanks for your thoughts.

Chocoholic wrote:I like your post Vicky, thanks for your thoughts.

your welcome chocs

Just nice so when one laugh and i feel the whole world smiles at me..she who dares (to battle life against all odds) WINS....

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HABIT IS SECOND NATURE

vicky what u said is very true..men just like to convince themselves that they dont need women and they want o run free but when it comes so companionship and passion and caring and settling they look for a woman ....let them think what they want u cant fight mothernature its pure instinct ...and it will happen

Corcovado wrote:vicky what u said is very true..men just like to convince themselves that they dont need women and they want o run free but when it comes so companionship and passion and caring and settling they look for a woman ....let them think what they want u cant fight mothernature its pure instinct ...and it will happen

thnks C.

Let me whisper a secret..the most rewarding facet of this is 'IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO"...there are no shortcuts in life..I live with my "CAR"- Courage,Attitude,Respect..just to beat the "threats"..I never dismiss the possibility of opening my door again to another relationship but he must have to be with his "CAR" too...

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HABIT IS SECOND NATURE

Well.. maybe thats why a man-woman relationship souldnt start until and unless there is a commitment (Official) at the very beginning.. in most of the cases... thats to protect the woman and the kids...

I know that sounds hard.. but its better for women than going thru nervous breakdowns, being dump, and found her self raising a family on her own. while MALES are trying to find a new girl.

MALES use to run away from responsibilities... its so fine for them as long they are enjoying them selves.. i think u know ppl what i mean

Corcovado wrote:vicky what u said is very true..men just like to convince themselves that they dont need women and they want o run free but when it comes so companionship and passion and caring and settling they look for a woman ....let them think what they want u cant fight mothernature its pure instinct ...and it will happen

this is not true sometimes men look for men and women for women

dont wait for the bait. you can get a animal and live with it till you find something

Intimacy wrote:Well.. maybe thats why a man-woman relationship souldnt start until and unless there is a commitment (Official) at the very beginning.. in most of the cases... thats to protect the woman and the kids...

I know that sounds hard.. but its better for women than going thru nervous breakdowns, being dump, and found her self raising a family on her own. while MALES are trying to find a new girl.

MALES use to run away from responsibilities... its so fine for them as long they are enjoying them selves.. i think u know ppl what i mean

Are you talking about getting married without a courtship and love relationship? That is an illusion. Having an official marriage certificate and then trying to make a relationship work between two people who aren't in love doesn't mean the relationship will be a good one that protects children. I have a hard time understanding how children can even be produced in a marriage that isn't built on love. There are some men and women in those kinds of arranged marriages that just go out and cheat. On the surface the relationship looks pure and wonderful, but underneath it is nothing of the sort.

Totally agree K

kanelli wrote:

Intimacy wrote:Well.. maybe thats why a man-woman relationship souldnt start until and unless there is a commitment (Official) at the very beginning.. in most of the cases... thats to protect the woman and the kids...

I know that sounds hard.. but its better for women than going thru nervous breakdowns, being dump, and found her self raising a family on her own. while MALES are trying to find a new girl.

MALES use to run away from responsibilities... its so fine for them as long they are enjoying them selves.. i think u know ppl what i mean

Are you talking about getting married without a courtship and love relationship? That is an illusion. Having an official marriage certificate and then trying to make a relationship work between two people who aren't in love doesn't mean the relationship will be a good one that protects children. I have a hard time understanding how children can even be produced in a marriage that isn't built on love. There are some men and women in those kinds of arranged marriages that just go out and cheat. On the surface the relationship looks pure and wonderful, but underneath it is nothing of the sort.

well said very true

I agree with Kanelli.

no one wants to be lonely..MAN needs companion..NO ONE CAN FILL IT like a loving woman..( unless gay...!!!!)

OK

Are you talking about getting married without a courtship and love relationship? That is an illusion.

I friend of mine said (not his exact words) that there is another illusion - a man would marry after courtship and love relationship... it is a never ending journey.

I have a hard time understanding how children can even be produced in a marriage that isn't built on love.

How do you know people in arranged marriages don't love each other? Can we judge? If two people are happy in this kind of marriage than who are we to decide?

In fact, I know a couple of people with arranged marriage and it worked out for them fine. What I understood from them is that this kind of arrangement in a way helped them to focus on important issues for long-term commitment such as: attitudes about money, work, children, gender roles, etc... instead of leaning on physical attraction and flirtation.

There are some men and women in those kinds of arranged marriages that just go out and cheat.

hmmmm... there are not some men and women in love marriages that just go out and cheat?

could it be that men who achieve later in life i.e. having wisdom and financial security, think they deserve better than what they have in their hands?..i mean, with success comes change and what he should be experiencing at the height of his success deserves the corresponding rewards. just a thought.

kanelli wrote:
Are you talking about getting married without a courtship and love relationship? That is an illusion. Having an official marriage certificate and then trying to make a relationship work between two people who aren't in love doesn't mean the relationship will be a good one that protects children. I have a hard time understanding how children can even be produced in a marriage that isn't built on love. There are some men and women in those kinds of arranged marriages that just go out and cheat. On the surface the relationship looks pure and wonderful, but underneath it is nothing of the sort.

Hmm, i dont know how you would define love.. but anyhow..

its really long story for me to explain which i dont know how to find the time for it here LOL. Maybe the next time we meet we can discuss that Kaneli

Sounds good Intimacy, it is a rather complex subject.

Nucleus, I don't mean to judge, and I was only pointing out that arranged marriage is idealised when really it has as many flaws as a love marriage. I never claimed that people don't cheat in both kinds of marriages. All I am saying is that it doesn't matter when the "commitment" comes in the relationship - because the commitment means nothing if the people don't really mean it and adhere to it.

In my opinion, lust and love is very important in a marriage. Some arranged marriages see lust and love develop, some don't. I can't imagine marrying and living together with someone I don't love and am not s.e.xually attracted to - who was chosen for me because of other reasons, like how much money he makes, or his family connections etc. I know that this is the norm in some cultures, but it wouldn't fly with me. Also, after I have seen some documentaries on human pair bonding I realise that lust and attraction definitely have their role in producing stronger humans with desirable characteristics. For example, there was one show that talked about smell. Male subjects sniffed t-shirts worn over a few nights by various women. The men had to say which t-shirt attracted them the most. (No perfumes etc. allowed for the females, only natural body smell). When they tested the immunities of the male and female subjects and looked at the t-shirts and corresponding women the men chose, the immunities complimented each other (meaning broad spectrum - each having some immunity that the other doesn't have). This means that if those two mated and produced a child, their child would receive the immunity from both parents and be healthier and stronger. With all of our senses and instincts humans know how to indentify a good mating match. Even if a pair bond doesn't work out in the end, it could be true that any children produced are strong and healthy, which is needed for propagation of the species. Essentially, nature doesn't seem to care about marriage - it only cares about strong offspring.

Its true! We, men, have to admit it: We can't life without a woman!!

or with them.... sometimes.... But i guess that goes for both sides..