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OK, long story short...

Fairly recently I got out of a heavy and pretty heavy relationship (posts here about it) and slipped into a fairly easy going, infrequent but fun, long distance deal. The rules were laid down from the get-go (I am an inveterate confirmed batchelor who enjoys the lifestyle I do because I don't compromise and I do the crap that I do because its the crap I want to do and I don't do the crap I don't want to do...) and it seemed that the lady in question was up for the deal as she was attracted by the creature that I am because of how I am.

It has only been a few months and now the revving of engines has started. Clinging, even from far away. Numerous and often intrusive calls and text messages during meetings, in the middle of the night, painfully early in the morning. They were nice at first, knowing someone cares about you from afar, but recently have become demanding, officious, bossy, pushy, possessive, jealous and even suggestive of long term commitments that were clearly defined as 'off limits' as per rule no.1. Dammit! What does a man have to do to make it plain that I am comfortable in my own skin? As a result, here are the A to Z of DK Man Rules:

a) I am the way I am because its the way I want to be. You like it? Fine. You don't like it? Fine! I don't care!
b) I will not change, no matter how you may think you can influence me with 'favours'.
c) I don't want to get married and 'settle down'...I am perfectly settled down as it is thank you.
d) This is my life. If you want to be involved in it, fine, but don't try and make it your life too. Find your own.
e) You don't own me. Don't act or think like you do.
f) Yes, I understand the concept of commitment, I have been married. Twice.
g) I will not put a pillion seat on my motorcycle because its my pleasure and gives me the opportunity to get away from everything (including women!) when I am on it!
h) I jump out of perfectly serviceable airplanes because its fun! Don't even think about asking me to stop because 'you care about me'. I don't care if you care, I will do it until they nail the lid on the box!
i) The kitchen is mine!
j) I don't paint portraits
k) I like my music loud and full of heavy guitars, solid drum beats, pounding bass and angst driven screaming vocals. Enrique Eglesias is not real music!
l) I wear brightly coloured clothes because I like all colours. All of the time. All together!
m) Beige is not a colour!
n) I don't need a shiny clean car. My car is a working tool and a little dust on the outside does not make it go faster or perform any worse. You want it clean, wash it yourself!
o) My dogs are mine. Giving them sweets does not mean they love you more.
p) If I decide I have not seen a friend for a while, I am at liberty to call them and gossip about life. You don't know them. Don't draw the wrong conclusions if they happen to be female.
q) Have I ever asked you about any of your previous boyfriends? Don't care. Don't want to care.
r) The mobile is out of bounds. Going through my text messages is an invasion of privacy even though there is nothing to upset you in there as they are mostly insecure messages from you.
s) Yes, I have friends on Facebook who are women and not married! Some of them are relatives.
t) The sofa is a perfectly acceptable place to sleep. Its comfortable. Its why I have it.
u) I have a busy job. It sometimes takes me out late at night where it is quite possible I will mingle with beautiful dancing girls and gorgeous media personalities. Live with it.
v) After a 36 hour shift climbing around in the roof of a shopping mall covered in sparrow sh1t and sweat, no I don't want to go out for dinner. I want a long shower and my bed. Undisturbed.
w) I don't drink water unless its an emergency. Have you seen what fish do in it? Wine is fine.
x) Jack Daniels and coke is better!
y) I never discuss politics or religion in company. Creates too many arguments.
and finally...
z) You come into my world under sufferance. You will not change it or me, do not try. I am old enough and ugly enough to make my own way in this cruel world with you, or without you. You want to enjoy some time in my world, then read the rules and adhere. It should be fun. If you don't then the exit is the hole in the wall with door, close it behind you as you leave.

This may seem a totally chauvenistic stance, but I am an independent person...this man is not for changing!



Knight

It’s funny how a decade or a couple of decades will change your viewpoint and perspective on life

LMAO the fallacies of invincibility at middle age and the folly of immortality in youth

You may find yourself one day envying a strict to the book, bread winner family man, bore like Sage and the joys of seeing one’s grandchild take a poo and a diaper change. Take this as advice on the art of compromising, cooperation and coexistence. Or you could always say f*** it and end up in: A) a retirement home. B) with a wife quarter of your age imported from a country where she will be a GDP product C) or marry a woman of similar culture to you perhaps a decade or two younger than you (who carry’s way excess relationship baggage from families, divorces, alimony struggles) when your are 60 and brand yourself as her toyboy when in the company of male buddies. That way, you will have the man’s man and ladies man tag throughout your life.

I think you will stick to the third option.

godsent wrote:It’s funny how a decade or a couple of decades will change your viewpoint and perspective on life

LMAO the fallacies of invincibility at middle age and the folly of immortality in youth

You may find yourself one day envying a strict to the book, bread winner family man, bore like Sage and the joys of seeing one’s grandchild take a poo and a diaper change. Take this as advice on the art of compromising, cooperation and coexistence. Or you could always say f*** it and end up in: A) a retirement home. B) with a wife quarter of your age imported from a country where she will be a GDP product C) or marry a woman of similar culture to you perhaps a decade or two younger than you (who carry’s way excess relationship baggage from families, divorces, alimony struggles) when your are 60 and brand yourself as her toyboy when in the company of male buddies. That way, you will have the man’s man and ladies man tag throughout your life.

I think you will stick to the third option.

I think you missed the point, I am not interested either options A, B or C. I have friends in all these camps and I don't envy them at all. In fact, most of them look at my lifestyle with envious eyes and wish they could have followed a similar path.

The point I was trying to make is that if you build a lifestyle that suits you, why does every woman initially claim they will never try to change you (after all its what attracted her to you in the first place) and then almost immediately start doing exactly the opposite?

The long distance relationship works best for me. The further. The better!



Knight

Because at the end of the day EVERY woman whether she admits it or not, wants to eventually settle and have a family. No woman will be happy with 'no strings attached' even if they state that in the beginning. It's just not how we operate.

If she's getting heavy then you need to just finish it matey.

You and I need to sit and discuss over a beer, you know I always tell you straight up how it goes!

Dubai Knight wrote:As a result, here are the A to Z of DK Man Rules:

You forgot the one about the toilet seat ...

Obviously she wants more from the relationship. The question is why. Because she wants a relationship with someone? Or because she wants you, and wants you all to herself?

Seems to me you prefer long-distance relationships (or friendships?) because you can then ... er ... keep your distance from the other. Which makes sense if you've been once (or twice) bitten and have become shy. We all learn from our past how to try and avoid repeating the things that result in pain. Feelings grow from within, and distance (whether geographical, or emotional) might slow them down or protect you from them (as in your case), or not (as in her case it seems). Mind the gap though, I got caught out badly by thinking I knew how to protect myself emotionally. I was not just hoisted, but hung, drawn, and quartered by my own petard.

IMHO, when people care deeply about someone else, and especially if that feeling does not appear to be reciprocated, that often manifests itself in negative ways such as jealousy and possessiveness. That's not an unusual situation, partly because how two people feel about each other is not always exactly the same at the same time. Especially when the FIFA World Cup is on .

Be clear, and treat her with dignity and respect. You have to treat yourself with dignity and respect also, and if that means breaking it off to protect both her and yourself, then you might have to make that decision. Or at least give her a clear choice between nothing and what you want. Just remember she's a person too, she's different from you, she can't read your mind, and you can't read hers. Any relationship, whether partners, family, or friends, is what it is because of what the people involved make it, not because (or in spite of) one person's rules.

Good luck and may the farce be with you ...

Also just another thought, remember the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'? Well she's not around you enough to get p*ssed off with you.

Because at the end of the day EVERY woman whether she admits it or not, wants to eventually settle and have a family. No woman will be happy with 'no strings attached' even if they state that in the beginning. It's just not how we operate.

True!

Be clear, and treat her with dignity and respect. You have to treat yourself with dignity and respect also, and if that means breaking it off to protect both her and yourself, then you might have to make that decision. Or at least give her a clear choice between nothing and what you want. Just remember she's a person too, she's different from you, she can't read your mind, and you can't read hers. Any relationship, whether partners, family, or friends, is what it is because of what the people involved make it, not because (or in spite of) one person's rules.

Very sensible!

DK, you have two options. Change to accommodate her, or remain who you are and move on.

As for EVERY woman wanting to get married and have a family, that is definitely not true. EVERY LITTLE GIRL has that desire because growing up it is instilled in little girls during their formative years. Little girls are given dolls, which become their "babies". They change the diapers, push the stroller with their "baby" in it, feed them, rock them to sleep, dress them. Little stoves to bake cookies. All "mommy" things. As a little girl you learn that to be a "mommy" you have to get married, so you dream about when you become a bride. This carries on through the teen years (getting married and having children). When in the 20s this may be put "on hold". At some point down the line it may even turn into "marriage is not for me", but doesn't rule out having children. In other cases it can rule out both. So it's not EVERY woman's desire, and it is the same with men. IMO there is nothing wrong with someone ruling out marriage and/or family as being necessary to fullfil their life. Some people aren't marriage material and/or parenting material. And good for those who can recognize it because it avoids hurting themselves and others.

If you use each decade in your life, starting with your 20s, as a chapter in your personal book, there are changes to each chapter. We as humans are constantly reinventing ourselves, which is part of the process of discovering who we are and what we want. Hindsight is a funny thing: if only I knew then what I know now........................... As you mature one of the things that you redefine is "relationship".

IMO DK you are seeking companionship, which doesn't mean the absence of emotions. You just need to meet someone who has a similar outlook on how they want to live their life, and generally speaking, you would need to find a mature woman (someone all grown up!) with some real experience in her life. A companion isn't going to suck the life out of you, cling to you, want to change you, will let you be, and respect, who you are, because those are the very things she in turn is looking for. Makes for a healthy relationship which, over time as you enter into the next phase of discovering yourself (and she herself) may find that it works well and may want to make it more permanent.

There is nothing attractive about a clingy, needy, jealous woman. Those emotions scream LOVE ME!!! It's not necessarily about loving someone, but the NEED to love someone.

You are fine just the way you are. There are many people who live their lives the want they want to, rather than the way they think they should. Of course, there are many who aren't going to "get it", or "agree", but hey, it's your life!!!

Bora, Maybe it's not about being married, but it's about commitment and trust. As a little girl, I never played with dolls, never be a "mommy" to them and never wanted to get married. Really I was not one of the girls who are planning the marriage and white dress and stuff, and I kinda didn't like it. All the married people around me, especially women were not happy and I gathered that to be happy we should not get married!

I had this view in the whole of my childhood and and teen years, but after dating some people and being in some relatiohships, now I really like to have the commitment of the person I m with. I don't know, maybe this be translated to be needy, but that s just how it works for me and ummmm all the women I know...

melika969 wrote:Bora, Maybe it's not about being married, but it's about commitment and trust. As a little girl, I never played with dolls, never be a "mommy" to them and never wanted to get married. Really I was not one of the girls who are planning the marriage and white dress and stuff, and I kinda didn't like it. All the married people around me, especially women were not happy and I gathered that to be happy we should not get married!

I had this view in the whole of my childhood and and teen years, but after dating some people and being in some relatiohships, now I really like to have the commitment of the person I m with. I don't know, maybe this be translated to be needy, but that s just how it works for me and ummmm all the women I know...

And like I said, your life is a cycle - ever changing. Why wouldn't someone want a commitment from the person they are with. But you want it for all the right reasons as when you make your commitment it should be for the right reasons. There are so many many different kinds of relationships that require commitment, such as a close friendship. Companionship also requires a commitment. The biggest part of commitment, to me, is committing yourself to respecting that other persons thoughts, needs, wants, and the freedom to let them be who they are for themself, not for someone else. What you want is not "needy", its a given hon.

Interesting responses, thank you girls.

Chocs, the beer is on me if you can define the workings of the female mind for me in language I can understand. I can pretty much guarantee you will be picking up the tab!

Bora, pretty close in some respects about 'companionship' but it goes further than that. What if (God forbid!) I met the girl who was the female version of me? Many of you bang on about wanting your independence and being equal and living life on your own terms...but how many of you actually do? It would seem that the conditioning from childhood to be maternalistic gets switched back on just about the time the body alarm clock starts ringing? The female version of me might possibly have kids and be a great mother figure, but will also be able to balance that with sticking two fingers up to the world and doing just what the hell she wanted, how she wanted, when she wanted, without fear of twitching net curtains down the street or asking dumb questions like 'Does my butt look big in this lifestyle?' At the end of the day even the rebel woman is seeking the security and stability of a home loving 'relationship'. Rebel? or Stereotype?

Mel, you may have been the 'tomboy' when you were younger and conditioned by the effects of unhappily married couples around you, however you fall into a big elephant trap regarding the words 'commitment' and 'relationship'. Despite all that conditioning, you are seeking the same as the women in white by seeking the commitment of the person you are with: Relationship denotes commitment every time. By committing to you, any guy in my position is instantly breaking the cardinal rule of compromising at some point. As soon as one compromise is made, this opens the floodgates to 'Well you did it once, you can do it for me again..." until I am tied, bound, gagged, moulded, shaped, re-created and generally emasculated into being 'The Man' as created by 'The Woman'.

I want is a girl who needs nothing from me, who has their own life and is in the position to say: 'Sorry, I can't see you tonight I am scaling Mount Everest/doing a pilates marathon for charity/re-jetting the carburettor of my vintage Mustang/flying off to Mongolia as a volunteer for UNICEF/going shark fishing/writing another chapter of my novel/investigating and comparing the similarities between the early works of Lichtenstein and Murakami...whatever it is that is her passion she does totally for herself. Washing of hair, having nails done or a bikini line waxing is not an in-depth intellectual activity!! If she then says we will get together when she has done the crap that she does, because its the crap that she wants to do and not the crap she doesn't want to do...then I want to meet her and date her! That is more attractive to me than having perfectly coiffed hair and toenails like a nail varnish ad. If she is hot, then so much the better!

I hate Paris Hilton!



Knight

DK, I have been there, done that, bought the shirt - and burned it!!!

Since you didn't rule out the possiblity of meeting the "one" (which I don't think you will find in Dubai, or the UAE for that matter) that may just be the next chapter of your life. Your female counterpart exists!!! She may not have everything you are looking for - but you have to allow for a wart or two.

I said what I thought commitment is, and commitment is given in different ways. We commit outselves to work, to friends, to relationships, to family members, to children, to tasks, to goals we set for ourselves. We commit outselves to many things. Relationships between a man and a woman, as we know it in the romantic sense, does not own that word.

Soooooooooooooooo, what's it going to be?

By committing to you, any guy in my position is instantly breaking the cardinal rule of compromising at some point. As soon as one compromise is made, this opens the floodgates to 'Well you did it once, you can do it for me again..." until I am tied, bound, gagged, moulded, shaped, re-created and generally emasculated into being 'The Man' as created by 'The Woman'.

Well I dont think commitment means "to change", Actually I don't really get why are u against commitment?

I think being in a real relationship needs to cpmromise, but it doesn't mean you need to destory one's personality and make a new one out of them! both parties should compromise to reach into a some point which is satisfying for the both. Of course both need to have enough motives to compromise and for sure it is an ongoing process!

Commitment is not an issue...

I made the ultimate commitment twice. Scarred for life!

Sounds like the unanimous vote of the female judges is to dump the frail from afar and start looking for 'The One'...

I found it already. Its on the Beach Road next to Spinneys!



Knight

Oh dear - looks like it's going to be a crate or two of beer doesn't it? lol

Chocoholic wrote:Oh dear - looks like it's going to be a crate or two of beer doesn't it? lol

At least 2!!!

Each!



Knight

Dubai Knight wrote:z) You come into my world under sufferance. You will not change it or me, do not try. I am old enough and ugly enough to make my own way in this cruel world with you, or without you. You want to enjoy some time in my world, then read the rules and adhere. It should be fun. If you don't then the exit is the hole in the wall with door, close it behind you as you leave.

This may seem a totally chauvenistic stance, but I am an independent person...this man is not for changing!

If that's the case, then why are you in a quandry ?

hry dont worry,IMHO as she got this obsessed she will contact u soon and ask u for a SIGN, then as u don't want to give a SIGN, she will break up with u! simple!

melika969 wrote:hry dont worry,IMHO as she got this obsessed she will contact u soon and ask u for a SIGN, then as u don't want to give a SIGN, she will break up with u! simple!

Contact me? I think she put surveillance cameras in my house, my car, my office! I get possessive FB messages, texts, emails...24/7! I have the feeling this one is turning into a stalker, however the fact that she is a long way away means I can turn all my comms off if I need to.

Lets put it this way, she is 'nice' but that is all she will ever be. If she wanted to break up now, I would have no problem with it. But...I am also a gentleman and would only do it with honour.



Knight

I can relate. It used to happen often to me. Men finding my life-style fascinating and cool . Only after a few months they wanted to change me and demanded to give it all up and be 'average'.
I never understood, if I would have been 'average' they probably never wanted to hang with me in the first place.

This is me, and if you don't like it: talk to the hand

Dubai Knight wrote:What if (God forbid!) I met the girl who was the female version of me?

You never know DK. They say that there is someone for everyone.

"Up in the Air" came to mind whilst I was reading. Have you seen it?

benwj wrote:

Dubai Knight wrote:What if (God forbid!) I met the girl who was the female version of me?

You never know DK. They say that there is someone for everyone.

"Up in the Air" came to mind whilst I was reading. Have you seen it?

Have I seen it?

I live it!



Knight