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I am European woman living in beautiful amazing relationship full of love with Indian man although he is officially engaged with Indian cousin as per wish of his family. He is the youngest and only son, also has some problems with the fiance. Their personalities are not matching together at all. I am really desperate because he is the ONE i want to spend rest of my life with and engaged with someone else. I need to know what is the chance that he could marry me instead of that girl. He and his family are muslims like me, not hindu. I grew up in Europe, but i am related to middle east. Please tell me everything what you think about this, i just wanna make us happy !! What should we do to stay together and be ok with his parents? He was born in UAE and spent 8 years in Bombay.

Hate to say it, but forget it! If the family is involved and it's an arranged marriage, there's dowry's and all that sort of stuff involved. You've got no chance.

Is dowry for hindus only or muslims in India have it too? In Iran we have it something reasonable, but in India I heard it's a large amount, is it true?

Probably, plus if the guy is in financial trouble the family will be relying on the dowry paid from the family of the girl he's being told to marry. Jyst wouldn't get involved, it's too complicated and sad to say if she interfered you don't know what they might do. You hear of horror stories all the time.

Well, this will only succeed if hes not a mama's boy and willing to stand up for you and himself infront of his family. If he's the kind who can't bat an eyelid without daddys permission then yes more chances of it comming to a not so favorable end.

Why don't you try calling up this cousin, and informing here about her fiancees Arabian adventure. Get ur friends to do it too.

Seriously though there's only so much you can do Wynn. If the man introduces you to his family and tries to work things out than great. If he's not willing to do that than ur just tgonna have to take he hint.

Such planned marriages are more than just a union of two people. It's a well though off arrangement which entails economics and finance as well.
So it's clear the guy will have to go against his families wishes for ur marriage to come through.
Do you think he would be willing to do that?

melika969 wrote:Is dowry for hindus only or muslims in India have it too? In Iran we have it something reasonable, but in India I heard it's a large amount, is it true?

That depends. Most well off families would insist on paying off huge sums of money alongwith material assets like gold, estates etc. as it's a sign of prestige.

For the poorer, yes dowry very much exists. If the girl is highly qualified and can command a good position in a company then the dowry will be less. And if she's not that qualified then her bargaining power falls and she'll be at the mercy of the boy's family.

I'm not one to mock customs, I do believe in the olden days dowry was there for a reason. But greedy people exploiting their wives have given dowry a bad name.
It's still very much prevailent though!

Difference between religions I have no idea about. But across all religions I think dowry is a norm. Not sure though.

He is from a rich family, my family is also almost the same level. This marriage won't be because of financial situation at all. I think they want to marry him just because he will have the age for that and it's just part of life. I am European Muslim, he is Indian Muslim, we love each other and is desperate and doesn't want to marry her, but he resigned and knows that he has to. I am not scared to show him that he can stay on his own feet. His family is living in Dubai yeeears and it is not exactly the typical family with old traditions ..I really need to know what to do to make it work, not to forget about it..

Well as has been said, HE needs to tell his family that it's not what he wants. If he doesn't have the guts to do that then you have very little chance.

He told me that wants to convince his family that the marriage is not what he wants. I will pray to make things better, we are modern people. Nobody should sacrifice love and happiness for something like arranged marriage!!

that's a good sign Wynn, I mean if you know him and he doesn't lie to you, this could work out. maybe his fiance has the same problem too! who knows?

very simple. if i was in your place i would tell him that if you really really love me then please go and tell your parents about US and that you want to get married to me.

if he doesnt do this or comes up with so many excuses, then sorry to say it but the guy doesnt luv u.

there is no such thing as dowry in islam etc etc. and if he really does love you then he will tell his family that i want to marry this girl and if i dont then i will just move out of the family house etc cut off the links with all family members and live away from you guys etc etc tell him to use some indian filmy dialgoues MCL has plenty of those he can help you there .

also would suggest that he gets in touch with his fiancee and tell her about you guys.

In islam there is no such thing as arranged or forced marriages, when it is done without the consent of the girl or the boy concerned.. There is no place for it in quran either…
Wherever it is applied, it’s either based on unislamic community customs or due to parties self- interests based on benefits..

ISLAM’S STAND
Islam abolished forced marriages deemed as a practice of pagans. In a well-known hadith documented by Bukhari, the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:
“A previously married woman shall not be married without being consulted and a virgin shall not be married without her consent.”
This statement clearly establishes the principle of the female’s right to choose a marriage partner.
- Neither the legal guardian nor anyone else can coerce a female (or male) to marry against her wishes, since Islam emphatically disallows forced marriages.
This is clear from an incident in the life of the Prophet (saw) documented by Nisaa’ie. The Prophet’s wife ‘Aishah reported that a young female came to consult the Prophet, saying,
“My father has married me to my cousin to raise his social standing and I was forced into it.”
The Prophet sent for the girl’s father and then in his presence gave the girl the option of remaining married or nullifying the marriage. She responded;
“O Messenger of Allah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to serve a lesson to other women (that they could not be forced into a marriage).”
recorded by Bukhari, and Ibn Majah, "Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage."
Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas recorded that "A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of God and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice."
Source: http://www.citymuslims.org/forcedmarriage.asp


What I would suggest is that you start educating yourself by reading articles about “ marriage in islam” through Islamic sites on the net., then share the information with your boy friend and ask him to share the same info with his parents and family..

If this is not enough then your friend has to find a reliable and respectful member of his family/relative or a member/friend from their local community that his parents would listen to his advice and respect his views..

Or else he has to go and seek help from an imam of a local mosque who is wise and has extensive knowledge of Islam…

Here is one more question and answer on arranged marriages is islam…
http://www.readingislam.com/servlet/Sat ... 4545966081

Actually this web site has good info on “marriage” and “love” issues, you can read them if you go to “index” on “ask about islam”section...

Many thanks for your support, you are keeping my hope alive )

In islam there is a gift given to bride called “the mahr”.

Mahr (Arabic: مهر‎; also transliterated mehr, meher, or mahrieh) is a gift, mandatory in Islam, which is given by the groom to the bride upon marriage in Islamic cultures.[1] (in contrast to other cultures' bride price, which is paid to the bride's father). It is considered to be a form of appreciation, as well as providing certain guarantees for the woman.
The gift can be intangible or negligible, it can take the form of investments or real property. The mahr may also be divided into portions, one to be given to the bride at marriage, the other to be given to the wife if she is widowed or divorced. It should be given according to the social status of the bride.[2]
Islamic scholars consider it as a way of emphasizing the importance of the marriage contract and preparing the husband to fulfill his marital responsibilities.[3] It also can be a form of protection against arbitrary divorce.[citation needed]
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahr

Further reading:

http://www.ruqaiyyah.karoo.net/articles/mahr.htm

http://www.java-man.com/pages/Marriage/Marriage06.html

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Sate ... TheScholar

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/10525

you’re welcome wynn but remember that your boyfriends task to convince his parents is not an easy one even if they are wrong in their actions and beliefs. Islam pays great importance to kindness and respect to parents..You and his way of addressing his parents should be of soft nature with sweet tongue..

parents opinion in marriage
http://www.readingislam.com/servlet/Sat ... 3996016610

questions and answers regarding honouring parents.
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/2011

kindness to parents..
http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/1624/

Well Wynn is a muslim, I think she knows issues about kindness to parents as well...

Kindness to parents and respect has to be, but sacrifice your life for selfish wish of your parents is not the right thing. Which parent could be happy from sorrow of their child??! To say that i will sacrifice my life happiness to see my parents happy is the most stupid excuse..If you as someone who respect parents will marry someone whom you don't love, you will suffer and then even your family and especially your children. Your marriage and home has to be your shelter where you can hide yourself when the world around isn't fair to you or you are tired from work etc.

Go get ur man Wyn...

You said the parnts too live in Dubai? Great....tell this so called man of urs and organize a get together. You need to start working on those parents right away, old minds are the most stubborn.......Although it ideally should've the guys responsibility to convice the wrinkleys, guess this one time ur just gonna have to get ur hands dirty. The things Love makes people do. Hilarious!
That is if ur so called man reciprocates ur affection and is on the same page with you on this.

It's all very well to say that Islam does not condone arranged marriages however we all know that this does happen and with Indians it may not be a religious thing, but it can very much be a cultural thing which happens on a daily basis - don't confuse the two!

I wold say tread very carefully and not go barging in over it, as it might have been something that has been an agreement between two families for years.

Wynn I agree over what you are saying and my first post is in full support of your opinion…

What I wrote in my 3rd post becomes important if children start treating their parents badly during the dialog.., acting against parents will in violence and strong opposition and rejection is not doing any good to parties involved either, Under such circumstances family ties break up, unity is lost and in many cases life continues under misery due to loosing family members and their support, and if marriage happens to fail after,children often have no face to turn to their parents again...

What we also see is that generally speaking, parents know personal nature and capabilities of their children better than anybody meets them later in their life. Most parents have better judgment and experiences that enables them to workout who their children can be happier and compatible with, provided that they give equal chance/assessment to their prospective brides/grooms they meet.

We do also know a lot of people who ignore and take decisions contrary to their parents advice or observations end up in failure, divorce and moving back in with their parents..
I have nothing much to say, so Just take posts as infos provided for knowledge, nobody is here to make matters worse for you or make judgment upon you..

Take care….

And what about parents point of view? Is it ok if their son will marry 'stranger'? Do you know how they're looking at that? Part of my family is from Greece and they were strictly against marriage with non Greeks..So my aunt got pregnant to convince family about their love...finally they got married and are living happily until now with more children..

to Berrin:

It's true that parents know the personality and capabilities of their child more than anyone else...But how they can say that this or that person is ok if they don't know the second person? Love and marriage is not a business..it was maybe several centuries ago in royal families...I am not willing to destroy my life in sorrow because i couldn't marry love of my life

I think, this is centuries old suggestion possible it will fall like that