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I feel like I have lost so much this year.

So I am glad this shit is almost over. A part of me is anyway. Then another part of me wonders what more I will lose of myself THIS year. Which piece will go next?

When I was seven years old I wanted to be a President. When I was ten I wanted to be Miss World. When I was 16 I wanted to be the youngest best selling author. When I was 18 I just wanted a boyfriend. And that want never stopped. I just wanted someone to live for. freaking pathetic but it was how I was wired. How I AM wired. Boyfriends, to one too many losers, to one husband.

And here I am still alone and wishing I had just stuck with the best selling author thing.

I had gotten married over five years ago. I am still married. Legally. This year alone we have talked of separation probably half a dozen times, been separated for 8 months now. We thought it was where we lived, so we moved. We thought it was our families so we distanced ourselves from them. We have fought about the petty things. Those are the things I have written about. "Haha men and their X Boxes. Haha men and their obsessions. Haha haha... ha ha. Hmmm."

I wish it was all about X Box. I wish it was all about all night binges on Halo and The Red Shoe Diaries. I wish I wish I wish...

I have been raised never to quit things yet I have always been a quitter. And for once in my life I vowed... "I will not quit this. I will make this work. IT WILL WORK."

So I told myself lies. I told myself I didn't matter. When he screamed at me, when he told me to get the fcuk out of his life I told myself "I am hard to live with." When he told me he didn't want me because I wasn't as pretty as when we first met I told myself "Yes. He is right. Go to the gym. Do not let yourself go." When he told me he stayed with me because he felt sorry for me I said to myself "Yes. Of course." When he told me he didn't want the same days off as me because he stated "I need my alone time. I don't need to see you that much." I thought "Yes. Again, I am not anything special. I will never be a woman a man can truly be in love with." When he would get violently drunk and fall asleep on the couch every night I thought "What could I do differently?" When he told me his whole family hated me I tried everything in my power to think of ways to get them to love me even though I could drop a million dirhams on their door step and they would still wish I was someone else. I never understood who they wanted me to be. But I tried my damndest to be that someone. Jesus, pathetic. All of it.

He will never read this because he has no interest in what I have to say or do. He does not know I write. Well... He knows I type things sometimes. He doesn't know I have over 300 old journals, started novels, short stories, or articles... just on this computer. When I told him about the boxes and boxes of notebooks I had from when I was a kid he thought it was odd that i was collecting so much junk and always seemed top complain about his box of wires... I don't sing in the shower anymore. I don't read as much. It all seems so trivial. But its as if he never knew my soul. Its as if he never cared.

And of course, I can be blamed still. I did marry him even knowing all of this.

I don't have any balls, literally or figuratively. And I use to have big ones! (Figuratively.) I prided myself on a strong sense of self-worth, identification, confidence and all those other Oprah-ish qualities you read about in magazines. The ones with the big headlines and the toothy brunette in pastels next to the big positive captioned woman mantras. I loved myself. I loved my life. (somewhat.) I was interesting to talk to. When I laughed it was real. It wasn't out of politeness. It wasn't out of not having any clue what else to do or say.

Part of me still fears losing him. Part of me is so scared of regretting him later, wishing I had kept trying. Its what keeps me still. Its what makes me apologize for arguments he starts and finishes. Its what makes me beg for him not to leave me, its what makes me turn into something that makes me sick.

My life is literally in ruins. I can say that with little worry or care. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what the next step is. I just know there has to be something more then this. I always swore to myself this would never be me. And I am right in the thick of it, the thick of a nightmare. I have to get out of it. I have given this whole thing about 23 second chances. Well there's really no such thing as ANOTHER second chance is there?

The initial shame of it all went away a long time ago. I come from a family and community that still thinks of a dissolution of marriage as a sin. But all I can say is this... I haven't felt God in a long time. So this can't be something He would necessarily wish for me to sustain. I tell myself this and it makes me weep. Because the potential disappointment overwhelms me still, I can't completely fool myself about that. But I find myself slowly no longer caring what others will think.

I'm not one of those dumbass bitches that says "I deserve better" because no one deserves anything in life and love. What you get is what you demand. And I have to start demanding something else.

Because a part of me is still that sheepish teenage book worm who wants a love to live for. Not one that makes her feel like dying.

My heart and brain somehow feels much lighter after unloading this off my chest. I don't have that trsutful people around me to say this to them without being judged in anyways.

This is posted here in hopes that a few may actually read this and say a prayer out aloud for things to change for the better.

Dear Girl:

You touched my heart. I have sent you a private message which you can access above where the "log in" is - you will see "1 message received". Please open it. I am sending out a big hug to you.

What a moving description of the emotional struggle you’re going through!

So sorry for you dear!

I hope you can pull yourself together and do the right thing!

Bora Bora is a sweet compassionate girl, and she will be a lot of help to you. Too bad you won’t be able to read her private messages as yet. I think you need to do 10 posts first. Try to do that as fast as you can and start the dialogue with BB.

We’ll be praying for you!! Good luck!!!

Tom Jones wrote:What a moving description of the emotional struggle you’re going through!

So sorry for you dear!

I hope you can pull yourself together and do the right thing!

Bora Bora is a sweet compassionate girl, and she will be a lot of help to you. Too bad you won’t be able to read her private messages as yet. I think you need to do 10 posts first. Try to do that as fast as you can and start the dialogue with BB.

We’ll be praying for you!! Good luck!!!

Hopefully Tom she can read, but I don't think she can send. As you said, she needs 10 to send. Gave her my MSN contact details. Hope she gets them.

Bora Bora wrote:

Tom Jones wrote:What a moving description of the emotional struggle you’re going through!

So sorry for you dear!

I hope you can pull yourself together and do the right thing!

Bora Bora is a sweet compassionate girl, and she will be a lot of help to you. Too bad you won’t be able to read her private messages as yet. I think you need to do 10 posts first. Try to do that as fast as you can and start the dialogue with BB.

We’ll be praying for you!! Good luck!!!

Hopefully Tom she can read, but I don't think she can send. As you said, she needs 10 to send. Gave her my MSN contact details. Hope she gets them.

God bless you my dear! That’s very kind of you!

I was deeply moved by what she wrote.

It’s sad that some women find themselves trapped in an unhappy marriage, and yet they continue to put up with all the misery that goes with it… in hopes of that elusive change…. for the better, which may never come!

In such situations, I am reminded of Kenny Roger’s song “ The Gambler,” in which he says:

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.

That sounds tragic. This guy seems to have taken your self-respect away, and you can't let it happen. He falls out of love with you because he thinks you're not as pretty as you were? And he stays because he feels sorry for you? He's a user, and he's trying to keep you down. My guess is he has little respect for himself and that's why he dumps on you.

Don't be scared of losing someone like this. Be brave and move on. Your family will have to understand your actions or if they don't then they care more about traditions that they do about you. Either way, that can't be the basis for your decisions.

Get back your respect and love for yourself, and don't make the same mistake again, there are a lot better guys out there, honestly. I've seen something like this myself with a girl friend of mine. She found her 'balls' again, divorced a really mentally cruel guy who was destroying her self-image brick by brick, and now has a really great guy, because she remembered what she was worth.

Honestly speaking, you don't need prayers, you need to act. Good luck.

Tom Jones wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:

Tom Jones wrote:What a moving description of the emotional struggle you’re going through!

So sorry for you dear!

I hope you can pull yourself together and do the right thing!

Bora Bora is a sweet compassionate girl, and she will be a lot of help to you. Too bad you won’t be able to read her private messages as yet. I think you need to do 10 posts first. Try to do that as fast as you can and start the dialogue with BB.

We’ll be praying for you!! Good luck!!!

Hopefully Tom she can read, but I don't think she can send. As you said, she needs 10 to send. Gave her my MSN contact details. Hope she gets them.

God bless you my dear! That’s very kind of you!

I was deeply moved by what she wrote.

It’s sad that some women find themselves trapped in an unhappy marriage, and yet they continue to put up with all the misery that goes with it… in hopes of that elusive change…. for the better, which may never come!

In such situations, I am reminded of Kenny Roger’s song “ The Gambler,” in which he says:

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.

She really touched my heart. When you go public it's a cry for help I think. If I can be there for her, it was meant to be. Thanks for your vote of confidence and let's hope she picks these posts up.

That was poignant. Here's my prayer, and it's short

If your husband and in laws leave you feeling so low.....then Ur husband and his family are just not worth it!

I hate it when culture and religion dictate terms to you. Even worse when people force religion down your throat. Sometimes marriages are not meant to be. Yet they say; "It's not acceptable to annul a marriage. Adultery is bad. Bah Blah Blah" It's all so black and white for them...Trust me it all means nothing. You know what's best for you and only that matters!

You know...You had me captivated there, you're a beautiful writer!

Few questions:-
Whats with the million bucks? Was the inference dowry?

And what do you mean by 23 second chances? Has he struck you....what????

Okay I'm not going to go down the woe is me route. I'm going to say wo-man up already!

You know what, I've been in that situation, in fact been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

Anyone who leaves you feeling so low, with so little self worth is not worth it. Drop kick the moron and his family out of your life. Spend time ALONE!!! This is important as you need to figure out who you are again and surrounding yourself with others confuses the issues. Reassert yourself, find out what it is that YOU want. If people want to join you for the ride - cool, if not c'est la vie.

Your happiness should not be dependent on others and how they make you feel.

When the time is right, the right person will come into your life for you. Never change who you are to please someone else.

It sounds like you have a talent, continue your writing, in fact throw yourself into it.

Good luck.

Chocoholic wrote:Okay I'm not going to go down the woe is me route. I'm going to say wo-man up already!

You know what, I've been in that situation, in fact been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

Anyone who leaves you feeling so low, with so little self worth is not worth it. Drop kick the moron and his family out of your life. Spend time ALONE!!! This is important as you need to figure out who you are again and surrounding yourself with others confuses the issues. Reassert yourself, find out what it is that YOU want. If people want to join you for the ride - cool, if not c'est la vie.

Your happiness should not be dependent on others and how they make you feel.

When the time is right, the right person will come into your life for you. Never change who you are to please someone else.

It sounds like you have a talent, continue your writing, in fact throw yourself into it.

Good luck.

Good to see that your compassion has not limits. The fact is that humans are not wired to say in one second "Get Over It", and in the next minute find themselves moving on. Our emotions are who we are. Under what appears to be my hard exterior are a vast mixture of emotions. Without them, I would only be a shell of a person.

If you were able to walk away from the same situation without going through any sadness, hurt, and a bundle of other emotions, without having to talk to a friend or friends about it, then there is something seriously wrong with your wiring.

Apparently she is spending time alone (maybe too much) and needed to "talk" about her situation. Maybe she is reaching out for some kind words other than someone telling her to "wo-man" up.

You showed more compassion to a four legged animal Chocs.

Did I say not to feel anything? No I didn't, of course people are going to go through the sadness and emotional trauma. HOwever, by the sounds of things it has been going on for a very long time, so now it's decision time, but up with the guy and him making her miserable or make it a clean break and move on.

As I said I've been through exactly this and maybe yes it has made me hard, because I am determined that I never want to feel that way again.

Bora Bora: Thanks so much or your support and kind words. I am unable to view your PM as you stated. Hopefully, I will be able to soon. Your big hug helps me so much since those rations have depleted so long ago. >:D< God Bless.

Tom Jones: Thanks for your kind words. It's really not that easy running away when you are stuck in a room with no door leading out to exit! Maybe there is a invisible one... I am still looking for it. It's easier looking down from my 11th floor apartment!

Speed Hump: I am in a lot more mess than I can open out on this forum. I wanna to leave, but I don't know how.

Misery: I've been married for 6yrs now. Unfortunately, I had to pay dowry as per cultural norms and 23 is the number of times I have been stuck down.

Chocoholic: I try..I really do... It's just not so easy. Every-time I try and get moving, I realize I have been chained down invisibly by him and his family. It would help if I had any one from my side to pull me over. But...

lonerindxb wrote:Bora Bora: Thanks so much or your support and kind words. I am unable to view your PM as you stated. Hopefully, I will be able to soon. Your big hug helps me so much since those rations have depleted so long ago. >:D< God Bless.

Tom Jones: Thanks for your kind words. It's really not that easy running away when you are stuck in a room with no door leading out to exit! Maybe there is a invisible one... I am still looking for it. It's easier looking down from my 11th floor apartment!

Speed Hump: I am in a lot more mess than I can open out on this forum. I wanna to leave, but I don't know how.

Misery: I've been married for 6yrs now. Unfortunately, I had to pay dowry as per cultural norms and 23 is the number of times I have been stuck down.

Chocoholic: I try..I really do... It's just not so easy. Every-time I try and get moving, I realize I have been chained down invisibly by him and his family. It would help if I had any one from my side to pull me over. But...

Sweetie you need 10 posts to access Private Message. I didn't realize that to send and access 10 were required for each. Just make 8 more posts and then you should have access. Place them anywhere it doesn't matter as long as they register.

Chocoholic wrote:Did I say not to feel anything? No I didn't, of course people are going to go through the sadness and emotional trauma. HOwever, by the sounds of things it has been going on for a very long time, so now it's decision time, but up with the guy and him making her miserable or make it a clean break and move on.

As I said I've been through exactly this and maybe yes it has made me hard, because I am determined that I never want to feel that way again.

Chocs, there is a cultural and religious issue here. As a Westerner we don't actually have to deal with that. Sometimes an evil person can break someone to the point that they can't stand any longer and when they realize what they need to do they have to relearn how to crawl before they can walk again.

As long as you stay hard you won't ever feel that way again. But you will feel something else much more unpleasant and that is the absence of someone truly loving you and you loving someone.

BB, well obviously only you have been privy to the cultural aspects of the situation as the original post mentions nothing, so I cannot comment on that side of things. But whatever the situation it shouldn't make a difference.

Loner, I completely understand where you are coming from. I had someone make me feel so worthless, inhuman, like I was nothing. I suffered verbal and physical abuse to the point that very often it felt like there was nothing worth living for.

But honestly you get to the point where enough is enough. What right does someone else have to make you feel like this? NONE! None whatsoever!

You have to put your own self respect back together, to make deicisions for yourself. It's tough, it takes a long time, but somethings just inevitably clicks inside, when you think that you don't deserve to be treated like this. HE doesn't deserve YOU! There are good people out there who would be deserving of your love, but not this person.

Don't waste another second. THe only person that is important is yourself. Please please do not prolong your suffering. I let it going on for far too long and I deeply regret the wasted time I spent on this person.

Have faith, you can get through it.

Chocoholic wrote:BB, well obviously only you have been privy to the cultural aspects of the situation as the original post mentions nothing, so I cannot comment on that side of things. But whatever the situation it shouldn't make a difference.

Loner, I completely understand where you are coming from. I had someone make me feel so worthless, inhuman, like I was nothing. I suffered verbal and physical abuse to the point that very often it felt like there was nothing worth living for.

But honestly you get to the point where enough is enough. What right does someone else have to make you feel like this? NONE! None whatsoever!

You have to put your own self respect back together, to make deicisions for yourself. It's tough, it takes a long time, but somethings just inevitably clicks inside, when you think that you don't deserve to be treated like this. HE doesn't deserve YOU! There are good people out there who would be deserving of your love, but not this person.

Don't waste another second. THe only person that is important is yourself. Please please do not prolong your suffering. I let it going on for far too long and I deeply regret the wasted time I spent on this person.

Have faith, you can get through it.

Not privy to anything Chocs just taken it from the post. And I understand where you are coming from.

The text I highlighted: I hope you have those very same thoughts because it does apply to you. I do believe that you do have a bit of faith still and have not turned into stone.

Thanks BB. No I haven't turned into stone just yet. But someone will have to work very hard to gain my trust. It's sad really as you end up feeling damaged and other people are penalised for the way you've been treated. The wall is up and it's certainly not coming down in a hurry.

Chocoholic wrote:Thanks BB. No I haven't turned into stone just yet. But someone will have to work very hard to gain my trust. It's sad really as you end up feeling damaged and other people are penalised for the way you've been treated. The wall is up and it's certainly not coming down in a hurry.

Chocs...

So sorry to hear that you, too, had to endure an abusive relationship. That’s must’ve been very distressful and very painful.

How could some men be so cruel? I don’t get it!!

I just I hope it didn’t last too long and that you put a stop to it early enough, before the wounds got too deep.

Well, enough sadness talk for me today… back to work!!!

Well for my own experience and I can tell from Loner too, no it went on far too long. Because you falsely believe that things will change, that they will get better. It's difficult to explain but you get a warped sense that the behaviour is normal and their way of showing affection. It's sort of like the kidnap victim falling in love with the captor.

It's hard to explain, and you ignore friends and family when they tell you that it's wrong. You begin to believe that you deserve to be treated this way and it's all you'll ever know.

That's why it breaks my heart to hear others going through the same. And you absolutely have to find the strength to get out, whatever it takes.

Whilst i feel a degree of sympathy for you i have to ask,what would your husband write in his defence as i have long realised that there are always 2 sides to every story.

Chocoholic wrote:Well for my own experience and I can tell from Loner too, no it went on far too long. Because you falsely believe that things will change, that they will get better. It's difficult to explain but you get a warped sense that the behaviour is normal and their way of showing affection. It's sort of like the kidnap victim falling in love with the captor.

It's hard to explain, and you ignore friends and family when they tell you that it's wrong. You begin to believe that you deserve to be treated this way and it's all you'll ever know.

That's why it breaks my heart to hear others going through the same. And you absolutely have to find the strength to get out, whatever it takes.

Yeah… years ago I saw a TV news doc on abused women and domestic violence, and I remember that they said abused women go thru several stages in the abusive relationship, first denial, then feeling responsible (themselves) for causing the abuse…etc. I can’t remember the other stages.

It’s a very peculiar thing that virtually all of them go thru these stages. That’s indeed a mystery. Do they get blinded by love or fear... or something else? I really don’t understand it!!

And that’s probably why these relationships go on for along time before the woman finally breaks free from such psychological bondage!

The sad thing is that the S.O.B gets out of the relationship unscathed whereas the woman has to live with her scars the rest of her life!!!

busa wrote:Whilst i feel a degree of sympathy for you i have to ask,what would your husband write in his defence as i have long realised that there are always 2 sides to every story.

Busa…

In my book, there is no excuse for abuse, mental or physical!! Period.

If, for example, your wife or girlfriend is a nasty bit*ch, just leave her! Walk away!! But don’t abuse her… no matter what!!!

If what Loner wrote is true, and I have no reason to doubt her because she sounded very sincere,... that’s enough for me! There is no point of hearing her husband's side of the story -- even if he has some legitimate grievances. With the way she feels... she needs to walk away from him.

As far as I'm concerened, this marriage appears to be dead in the water, and it does not look like it has any chances for revival!!

Tom Jones wrote:Do they get blinded by love or fear... or something else? I really don’t understand it!!

And that’s probably why these relationships go on for along time before the woman finally breaks free from such psychological bondage!

It can be a very complex thing. My friend really seemed to have no idea why she was staying with her husband, until she just one day got a grip of herself.. There were no kids.


http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/holli ... u-id-1890/

Why Do Battered Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?
Written by Holli Marshall
PDF Print E-mail
Mar 21, 2009 A + A - RESET

From manual by The Greater Portland's Women's Resource Center Shelter

The Women's Resource Center believes that a more important question is: Why do batterers batter?

Unfortunately, our society focuses more on the actions of the victim than on the abuser. We provide explanations here for why abuse survivors stay to facilitate understanding toward the women that we serve.

* What if you had no money?
* What if the batterer said that he would kill you if you left?
* What if the batterer said he would kill the kids if you left?
* What if he threatened to fight you for custody of your children?
* What if you believed that it was important to have two parents for your kids?
* What if you had no job skills?
* What if you had no friends or family to help you?
* What if you had no faith in the justice system?
* What if you had no place else to go?
* What if you were more afraid of what might happen if you left?
* What if you thought that things were going to get better?

Emotional Factors

* What if you thought that you were causing the violence?
* What if you were sure that you could change your behavior and stop the violence?
* What if you felt too guilty to end your relationship?
* What if you didn't want to leave your home and belongings?
* What if the idea of leaving and being alone terrified you?
* What if you loved the abuser?
* What if your children loved the abuser?
* What if your family told you to stay?

Personal Beliefs

* What if you believed that marriages should last forever?
* What if you thought that violence in relationships was normal and inevitable?
* What if you believed that women had to comply with men?
* What if your religion or culture forbade you to leave?

busa wrote:Whilst i feel a degree of sympathy for you i have to ask,what would your husband write in his defence as i have long realised that there are always 2 sides to every story.

Yes, there are two sides to the story. The abused who has the scars mentally, emotionally and physically and the abuser who justifies his behavior. Abusers find the smallest reason to abuse or don't even need a reason. Eggs cooked too much, eggs not cooked enough, coffee too strong, coffee too weak. And then, there are times when BAM it comes from no where.

Abusers are in fact ill people and were generally raised in an environment where they grow to believe that it was "normal" behavior. Either the mother was abused or the person themself as a child, or both. This applies to those who physically, mentally and emotionally abuse. They generally suffer bouts of guilt following their episodes because subconsciously they know it was wrong but it is so instilled in their behavior that they can't control it.

As I said once before, adults have a voice, they just need to find it. Children, on the other hand, remain silent out of fear.

I can tell you where a physical abuser threatened that he would murder the girlfriend's mother and grandmother if she ever let on he was abusing her, left him or went to the police. She was so broken down that she believed it until she found the courage to run away to a womens shelter.

lonerindxb wrote:Misery: I've been married for 6yrs now. Unfortunately, I had to pay dowry as per cultural norms and 23 is the number of times I have been stuck down.

Chocoholic: I try..I really do... It's just not so easy. Every-time I try and get moving, I realize I have been chained down invisibly by him and his family. It would help if I had any one from my side to pull me over. But...

Damn...Ur in pretty deep and it looks real bad.
Physical and emotional trauma? Horrendous!
Lady, you need OUT and FAST!
I think you need to start working on a plan of exit. I take it ur not working or are you? If you are, then great. That would mean that you've got financial independence.
Next step is to work on your exit. Judging by all that you've written, the most important thing is that your self confidence seems to be in place.
I think it's time you move out. A little space and a little loneliness might drill some sense into your man. I really can't make out if the love in your relationship has dried up or if he's just taking you for granted. Either way I think it's time you guys take a time out. Some alone time, may help you both put things in perspective! This does not necessarily have to result in annulment. It may actually help you get your relationship back on track.

Scam post.

bonbonboi wrote:Scam post.

Possibly....!!

But what makes you say so..????

Give her a little brooding time, an after that shell get over it.

Dear Lady , you write very well, keep it up.
regds,

Sorry to hear that, I was in the same situations few years back. I was with a local and have 3 children. I managed to divorce his sorry ass eventhough it took all the strength i had. You can contact me for a chat and coffee, maybe you need some advice on action...

while i refuse to believe any one-sided story such as the one we heard (every story has 3 sides: his, hers and the truth), the fact remains that no one should be hit 23 times and no one should be made to feel like they are alone in this world.

you have invested 6 years of your life with this 'man'; get out now before it becomes 26 or 36 years.