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A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing
then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed
into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she
collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a
stitch of clothing on.

Horrified, she let out a shriek.

Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you,
miss," he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone."

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Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

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A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."

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First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

---------------------------------------

Not even a smile

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing
situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Nice jokes Sage!

But what's different about Version 2???

Tom Jones wrote:Nice jokes Sage!

But what's different about Version 2???

Version 1 was sent to Fight Club after abusive language was added by someone.

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from
here."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing
whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"
said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has
kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it
forever."

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Hey Grandpa, how is it going?
I see that u r still kickn'

Palkid7 wrote:LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Hey Grandpa, how is it going?
I see that u r still kickn'

Doing fine thanks Kid. And you?

----------------------------------------------------

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man
behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if
you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now
put the tray up, Fool."

canuckbid wrote:

Woohooo, we sure love Europe and all

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious
to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his
office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone
and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous
that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at
least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned
to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for
you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

Some of the Brits on their forum did not think this video was funny but I enjoyed it. Nothing like a good pratical joke. They sure are a grumpy bunch. Must be all the rain they get that makes them depressed. The weather can play on your mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7epM

It was OK I guess, seen better though

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to
wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of
the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull
loose?"

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women
were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a
secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my
age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

An Emarati man and Lebanese man lost their wifes in a shopping center, so they were searching for them.
The Emarati asked the lebanese: How does your wife look?
The Lebanese replied: She is a blonde with short skirt and a shirt showing her stomach and big breasts, How about your wife how does she look?
The Emarati replied: Forget about her, let us find your wife

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'





























--

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."

Scary stories! Keep going!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Hi There !!

Nice Jokes

Thanks & Regards
Annete Duffel

Father tomato, mother tomato and tomato kids are walking on the street, when the kids got a little behind, father tomato turned back and shouted: cetch up!

---Pulp Fiction

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit

the store ONLY ONCE!



There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you

may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go

up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men

have jobs.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs

and love kids.



The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,

love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,

but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men

have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and

help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly

stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These

men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous,

help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!