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I just don't understand why marriage has to be the center of one's life??

It's enough to be in love and that's all. period..end of the story.

To each his own!

there's more than marriage, but keeping raising a family happily. it takes a lot of commitment.

if one thinks one can't commit, then one should not get into marriage, let alone raising family. otherwise it will end up into divorce and broken family. be a happy single instead.

xty wrote:there's more than marriage, but keeping raising a family happily. it takes a lot of commitment.

if one thinks one can't commit, then one should not get into marriage, let alone raising family. otherwise it will end up into divorce and broken family. be a happy single instead.

Relationships take commitment, regardless if by virtue of marriage or not. People can create a family unit without the benefit of marriage. Actually, to do so takes more commitment than being married. You are there because you want to be there, not because you have to be there (because you are married).

Actually, to do so takes more commitment than being married. You are there because you want to be there, not because you have to be there (because you are married).[/quote]

Thank you Kitty, that's excatly what I wanted to say.

I don't know. The number of single parent families is still rising, why make it easier for people to split up when one of them gets a little bored. What about the kids? If a legal contract makes a person even slightly more likely to honour their COMMITMENTS to a family then it's a good thing.

Now there's an old-fashioned idea.

Speedhump wrote:I don't know. The number of single parent families is still rising, why make it easier for people to split up when one of them gets a little bored. What about the kids? If a legal contract makes a person even slightly more likely to honour their COMMITMENTS to a family then it's a good thing.

Now there's an old-fashioned idea.

No it's not an old-fashioned idea. A legal contract ( marriage) is not a bad idea. But it turns into a double-egged sword when parents have to live together unwillingly because of ur legal contract. the effect of a sore marriage and a divorce on kids is all the same.

Then I started this post, my point was; why make marriage an eventual, must-go-thru experience like death or taxes whenTwo ppl can live together and raise a family cuz they want to be together not cuz of a legal or a social contract.

I understand and some people can do that.

But I do think that sensible people who maybe have lost their love can still stay together and make a good home for their children (to whom they should want to give all their love and protection) so long as they are not shouting and screaming at each other. Unfortunately, today the cult is for people to believe they should do exactly what they like, never mind how it affects others. Break up a marriage, break up a home, because you think you love someone else, or you are bored, or whatever. It's a shame.

Most people have lost their honour, and what they now call self-respect is just self-love.

Bora Bora wrote:You are there because you want to be there, not because you have to be there (because you are married).

totally agree.

Bora Bora wrote:Relationships take commitment, regardless if by virtue of marriage or not. People can create a family unit without the benefit of marriage.

but I still don't get that if both the couples have commitments to raise a family, what's the problem of getting married legally? Was it like "maybe someday I get bored, it'll be easier to break up"? Or "still not sure"? Or "being afraid of commitment"?
It may be a culture or preference, but I just don't see why.

Speedhump wrote:But I do think that sensible people who maybe have lost their love can still stay together and make a good home for their children (to whom they should want to give all their love and protection) so long as they are not shouting and screaming at each other. Unfortunately, today the cult is for people to believe they should do exactly what they like, never mind how it affects others. Break up a marriage, break up a home, because you think you love someone else, or you are bored, or whatever. It's a shame.

Most people have lost their honour, and what they now call self-respect is just self-love.

Well said. More and more selfish people these days. Modern culture, total freedom... what a BS.

Metaphor79 wrote:No it's not an old-fashioned idea. A legal contract ( marriage) is not a bad idea. But it turns into a double-egged sword when parents have to live together unwillingly because of ur legal contract. the effect of a sore marriage and a divorce on kids is all the same.

How a living-together (no legal marriage) considered better than marriage in terms of separation and effects to the children? For me it's the same.
But if marriage itself could be one reason to reconcile, then why not?

Speedhump wrote:I don't know. The number of single parent families is still rising, why make it easier for people to split up when one of them gets a little bored. What about the kids? If a legal contract makes a person even slightly more likely to honour their COMMITMENTS to a family then it's a good thing.

Now there's an old-fashioned idea.

Well there are women who chose to have children without benefit of marriage or partner. But the majority of single families are the result of divorce.

In the case of separation/divorce, more often than not, it is quite unfortunate but the children don't factor into the whole picture. People who "stay together for the benefit of the children" underestimate the damage done to children. Little ones are more intuitive as to what is going on around them than people realize. It's a catch-22 situation. When the child(ren) grow up they ask: why did you stay together, or why didn't you leave or, and if one parent left, why didn't you try to work it out? In the case of staying together, the parent's response: we did it for you honey. Great, put the blame on the kid. In the case of separation/divorce, the blame generally gets put on the spouse that is absent.

But getting back to marriage, it does have its benefits, legally. On the other hand, common law marriage (cohabiting without benefit of a marriage license) is recognized in the US after a certain period of time and proof of same, and the partner is entitled to all the benefits that a married spouse would receive.

Let's face it, marriage represents security. And there is nothing wrong with that.

xty wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:No it's not an old-fashioned idea. A legal contract ( marriage) is not a bad idea. But it turns into a double-egged sword when parents have to live together unwillingly because of ur legal contract. the effect of a sore marriage and a divorce on kids is all the same.

How a living-together (no legal marriage) considered better than marriage in terms of separation and effects to the children? For me it's the same.
But if marriage itself could be one reason to reconcile, then why not?

Well, let's face it, this issue is very complicated. We cant generalize a rule because circumstances are unique to each couple. I have a friend who was madly in love with his wife BEFORE marriage. After 3 yrs together they got a divorce, thanks God no kids resulted from that miserable marriage.

On the other hand, I know dozens stories of arranged marriages, after 40yrs of being together and raising wonderful kids ( many of them), you can still feel the intense love between the old lovebirds. Amazing!

In our culture, we say marriage is just like a watermelon- you never know how it's gonna be until you open it (live it).

I’ve started thinking about getting married. The idea scares the hell outta me though.

Metaphor79 wrote:

xty wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:No it's not an old-fashioned idea. A legal contract ( marriage) is not a bad idea. But it turns into a double-egged sword when parents have to live together unwillingly because of ur legal contract. the effect of a sore marriage and a divorce on kids is all the same.

How a living-together (no legal marriage) considered better than marriage in terms of separation and effects to the children? For me it's the same.
But if marriage itself could be one reason to reconcile, then why not?

Well, let's face it, this issue is very complicated. We cant generalize a rule because circumstances are unique to each couple. I have a friend who was madly in love with his wife BEFORE marriage. After 3 yrs together they got a divorce, thanks God no kids resulted from that miserable marriage.

On the other hand, I know dozens stories of arranged marriages, after 40yrs of being together and raising wonderful kids ( many of them), you can still feel the intense love between the old lovebirds. Amazing!

In our culture, we say marriage is just like a watermelon- you never know how it's gonna be until you open it (live it).

I’ve started thinking about getting married. The idea scares the hell outta me though.

Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Bora Bora wrote:Let's face it, marriage represents security. And there is nothing wrong with that.

True! Marriage is nothing but security.

It's biologically impossible to love the same person for decades. The first five-six years a couple may be in love. Post that love just dries and people become habituated with each other. That's when the beauty of marriage kicks in. In these lag moments, where love,$ex etc are all so evasive, that written contract called marriage, keeps couples united (as long as they've signed a pre nup )
Marriage is just that, security, and in the Mid East a legal reason to have children!

On a personal level, I doubt I'm getting married in this life time. Life's t way too short and there's just so much to do. The chances of finding someone compatible for the journey seems bleak. And I don't wanna get married just for the sake of it.

The possibility of having kids by 30 as a single parent, sounds pretty cool to me. Cuz love can come to you even on ur dying bed and you can get married then, but the window to have kids is rather limited. I think 30-35 is the best time to have kids....at that age one is fit and agile, and can grow with the kids. The generation gap is also in control at 30-35.

Misery Called Life wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:Let's face it, marriage represents security. And there is nothing wrong with that.

True! Marriage is nothing but security.

It's biologically impossible to love the same person for decades. The first five-six years a couple may be in love. Post that love just dries and people become habituated with each other. That's when the beauty of marriage kicks in. In these lag moments, where love,$ex etc are all so evasive, that written contract called marriage, keeps couples united (as long as they've signed a pre nup )
Marriage is just that, security, and in the Mid East a legal reason to have children!

On a personal level, I doubt I'm getting married in this life time. Life's t way too short and there's just so much to do. The chances of finding someone compatible for the journey seems bleak. And I don't wanna get married just for the sake of it.

The possibility of having kids by 30 as a single parent, sounds pretty cool to me. Cuz love can come to you even on ur dying bed and you can get married then, but the window to have kids is rather limited. I think 30-35 is the best time to have kids....at that age one is fit and agile, and can grow with the kids. The generation gap is also in control at 30-35.

With this attitude, I don't think you're ready to be a father.

Can you put you finger on the pulse of the problem?

BTW I'm nowhere close to 30!

Sounds a bit bleak MCL! I guess you are seeing it from the outside though, and with a young perspective also.

The initial love you might call infatuation or even just lust. That 'usually' is replaced as time goes by with a more comfortable feeling of easiness and understanding (which should not be allowed to stagnate into boredom and predictability, and it DOES take work, like most things that are worthwhile). That's not a drying up of love, its an evolution or metamorphosis.

Having said that, I also feel like you that the human species is not really adapted to mating for life, or even has moved beyond it. But social mores are powerful and as I said also, kids welfare should be also considered until they pass out of their teens.

I think 30-35 is a good age to have children now, as people are often very fit and able even into their sixties. But 40 is definitely not too old at all for people with the right mindset.

Misery Called Life wrote:Can you put you finger on the pulse of the problem?

BTW I'm nowhere close to 30!

Deciding to be a single parent right from the beginning is wrong in the first place, leave alone being capable of raising a kid even if you're 40 and rich enough to financially support a kid. It takes more than cash and a certain age to raise a kid.

Reconsider plz

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

Most guys complain that a woman falls in love with them for what they are and then immediately wants to change them; but you seem to be inviting it!

Seriously, you have to want to change, don't blame women for being weak, blame yourself for making it a battle of the sexes!

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

You need to rise to the occasion yourself. Believe me when I tell you this, once a woman has finished molding a man into what she wanted him to be, she is out the door and onto the next one, unless she realizes that it really wasn't fun raising a man.

Speedhump wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

Most guys complain that a woman falls in love with them for what they are and then immediately wants to change them; but you seem to be inviting it!

Seriously, you have to want to change, don't blame women for being weak, blame yourself for making it a battle of the sexes!

Did u know that we change every day. Family, friends, colleagues, work, circumstances and even little kid impart small touches of change on our personality without us feeling it. That's the wonders of human relationships.

I need a woman who can make me want to quit smoking for her sake, not forcing me to.
A woman who can give me emotional satisfaction and stability - been a little stray in this regard
Finally, a woman who can make me rise over things that I hate.

You see, very simple stuff NO battle of the sexes!

Bora Bora wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

You need to rise to the occasion yourself. Believe me when I tell you this, once a woman has finished molding a man into what she wanted him to be, she is out the door and onto the next one, unless she realizes that it really wasn't fun raising a man.

Hahaha Love your comment . Yah I agree with you. From my side, why would l like a monotonous partner. woman who doesn't constantly surprise me is a rose gone pale.

The - let me call it - beginning or the onset of love is an extraordinary experience because it's full of surprises, ambiguity, differences, and curiosity. When the book is all open, the fun dies.

The couple who can keep these elements alive will have a long-lasting love. Find me a woman who can do that.

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:
Well sometimes the thing you fear the most, is the thing you want the most. On the other hand, there are bigger, scarier things in the world to fear, with good reason!!

Take the leap, with faith, and only if you are ready to commit yourself to the union.

Not ready financially nor emotionally.

Plus I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

You need to rise to the occasion yourself. Believe me when I tell you this, once a woman has finished molding a man into what she wanted him to be, she is out the door and onto the next one, unless she realizes that it really wasn't fun raising a man.

Hahaha Love your comment . Yah I agree with you. From my side, why would l like a monotonous partner. woman who doesn't constantly surprise me is a rose gone pale.

The - let me call it - beginning or the onset of love is an extraordinary experience because it's full of surprises, ambiguity, differences, and curiosity. When the book is all open, the fun dies.

The couple who can keep these elements alive will have a long-lasting love. Find me a woman who can do that.

Keep the element of surprise alive. And just as important is the romance. And the fun. One may think the book was fully open, but the truth is there are pages missing because when we die, we take secrets with us.

As for finding you a woman, can't think of anyone. I'm already married.

[quote="Bora BoraAs for finding you a woman, can't think of anyone. I'm already married. [/quote]

Ouch! You just broke my heart baby.

Ok it's the weekend, time for fun

See you all later

Metaphor79 wrote:

Misery Called Life wrote:Can you put you finger on the pulse of the problem?

BTW I'm nowhere close to 30!

Deciding to be a single parent right from the beginning is wrong in the first place, leave alone being capable of raising a kid even if you're 40 and rich enough to financially support a kid. It takes more than cash and a certain age to raise a kid.

Reconsider plz

Metaphor79 wrote:I need a woman who can make me a better man. From all the women I've known, none was up to the task.

Sigh, Innocence. How old are you dude? And where do you get such illusions of love from? Mill& Boons, Movies?

You search for love and you will never find it! Love is Serendipity! Don't try and define it either.
People today disguise convenience and call it love!

Anywaz lemme assure you there is no woman out there whose gonna care for you and love you tender.....Such heightened stages of affection (like asking you to quit smoking, drive slowly etc) take years to form. As Speedy said it's a metamorphosis!

Relationships happen. Enjoy them and don't expect anything from them! Just go with the flow. Spending time and affection with women is the best way to grow(even if she doesn't ask you to quit smoking
) And that should automatically make you a better man!

Single parents can definitely raise kids successfully. Yea for a man securing breast milk might be difficult, but otherwise it should be fun. Mankind has evolved, and one does not need love to have kids!

Misery Called Life, you certainly have serious issues and your understanding of relationships is very sick.

Good luck with your philosophy.

Metaphor79 wrote:Misery Called Life, you certainly have serious issues and your understanding of relationships is very sick.

Good luck with your philosophy.

Huh? What did you find sick? Besides I don't think I have any issues. My love life is fairly active. Thank You very much!
Anywaz I just offered you a perspective. You can always agree to diagree

Misery Called Life wrote:

Metaphor79 wrote:Misery Called Life, you certainly have serious issues and your understanding of relationships is very sick.

Good luck with your philosophy.

Huh? What did you find sick? Besides I don't think I have any issues. My love life is fairly active. Thank You very much!
Anywaz I just offered you a perspective. You can always agree to diagree

Ah, but do you mean love life or s*x life!

I'm not criticising, you have to keep that bad boy serviced and ready for action for when the love of your life finally rolls up; you'd be gutted if she found you 'lacking' in a certain area of performance and moved on before you could buy the ring!

Although I'm not sure that you're ready for that commitment, as you said already!