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NOTICE TO ALL STAFF
Dear Staff,

Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations
implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to g et a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and
input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.

Have a nice day.

Human Resources Department

lol that was a killer best one yet 175 keep it up

FAKESPIKE wrote:lol that was a killer best one yet 175 keep it up

One of my favorite jokes...

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s?x here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."