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Time to lighten things a little Can't see a section where this should go so general chat seems nearest. No-one take any offence because this is all they are... jokes. I'll set the ball rolling...

One cow to another in the field: "What do you make of this Mad Cow Disease?"

Second cow: "I don't know, it's got nothing to do with me, I'm a helicopter!"

AND....

How can you tell when a Brit girl is having an orgasm.....?

Answer: She drops her bag of chips!

I'm afraid there's more where these came from. So, come on then, who can do better... and let's keep them short and snappy!

The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

How can you tell when a Brit girl is having an orgasm.....?

Answer: She drops her bag of chips!

What do you call a Brit on a tree in the Amazon with three monkeys?

Branch Manager!

How many Dutch people does it take to change a light bulb?

Four... one to hold the bulb and three to turn the ceiling .

GoodBai wrote:How many Dutch people does it take to change a light bulb?

Four... one to hold the bulb and three to turn the ceiling .

U mean: ''How many Belgians...''

Five Secrets to a Great Relationship


Truly useful information from a woman's perspective!


Five Secrets to a Great Relationship:

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally
cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves you madly

.
.
.

5. It is extremely important that these four men never meet.

dig this

Ancient History Explained...

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"


cheers,

Jerry

Did you hear about the gay magician?

He disappeared with a poof!!

Q. Who was the Dutch lady I saw you with last night?
A. That was no lady. That was a dike.

Q: How do you tell, as you're driving towards Holland, that you've crossed the border?

A: You see the toilet paper hanging out to dry on the washing lines.
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"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
------------------------------
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.
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A Hollander is always right and she knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell her she was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now she will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with her, therefore she couldn't be right. Impossible. She's a Hollander. But…then…she…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle herself with a tulip.
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If you want to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you will want to - tell him you don't think he's a pacifist. Now start running for your life. He will not stop trying to prove he's the most peace-loving person in the world until your intestines are on the street. As mentioned earlier, mentioning the so-called colonial past in Suriname or Indonesia, will instantly reduce the Hollander to a sniffling child, begging for forgiveness.
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Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. Nonsense. They just make too much money selling drugs and Malaysian women, to miss the opportunity to make so much profit.
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Ouch, the claws are out now !

Q. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A. To see what was on the other side!

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in . The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
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Definition of a Welsh rarebit: A Cardiff virgin.
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Wales, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous...

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.

Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool
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I had to be fair to everyone now, PC and all that! Ah they don't tell them like that anymore.
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HEAVENLY REFERENCES
Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and says,
"Fanny, I think we have a problem..."
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NB: For the Americans out there Fanny for people in European or Mediterranean countries means a womans private parts, NOT arse, which is why we always look at you funnily when you talk about Fanny packs - hehehe.

sooooooooooo funny some of these, i been wettin meslf laffin

sadly mine are tooooo rude to post and i will probably get lashed by the females here

ok ok ok heres a mild one

Why do women generally have smaller feet?


God made them that way, so they can stand closer to the sink to do the washing up



......... arniegang takes cover and hides for a little while

Washing up your mouth with soap?

Chocoholic wrote:Q. Who was the Dutch lady I saw you with last night?
A. That was no lady. That was a dike.

U obviously don't know that the average Dutch lady looks rather nice

A pakistani opens the sugar jar.... looks inside... shuts it...goes away... comes back... opens the jar....looks inside... shuts it...goes away... comes back... looks inside... shuts it...goes away... comes back...

Why?

The doctor asked him to check the sugar level regularly



Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

Dear Receiver,

You have just received a Sardarji virus. Since we are not so
technologically advanced, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the
files on your hard disk yourself and send this email to everyone you know.

Thank you very much for helping me.

DHAKKAN SINGH HACKER

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine. However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem. Finally, there was a Pakistani scientist who offered to help. NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything. "Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Pakistani scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway. "Bring it back to vertical position" the Pakistani said. The engineers did. "Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space! Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do.
He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Vespa scooters in Pakistan".

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A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US: Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say> "I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is .... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

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A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she suddenly trips over something and falls down. On her way falling down, an American man catches her, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..." The man says : "Okay then, sleep with me." She says : "You PIG!! NEVER !! " So he says : " FINE! " and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air from his balcony, she says : " Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask..." The guy says : "Fraulein, sleep with me." She replies : " Oh you nasty pig !!! NEVER! " So the man says : " Fine !!! " and he also drops her down again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she slept with one o f those men and now she's going to die. Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!! "
The Muslim man replies : " Astaqfirulla'h! " and he drops her.

A woman crawling across the floor on her hands and knees, half naked, and spunk dripping out of both sides of her mouth.

What does this tell you??

THe floor is LEVEL

Ooooooooooooooo, a bit below the belt that one me old mukka! hahahahahahahahaha

> This guy was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
> pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
> buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
> centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
>
> He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
> decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
> drink.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
> with me and have a beer?"
>
> But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
but
> he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
> the bar and having a drink with me?"
>
> But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited
> a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
>
> He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
> against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you
> like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
>
>
>
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> "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**1ng shoes on."
>

ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST THEN DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.

ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST.ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS



Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAMES -----( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. WHICH SIDE OF THE TYRE BURST ??? ----( 98 MARKS )