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somehow I'm in the mood for sexist jokes today... don't feel offended girls, you're welcome to post as well!

here's my favourite:


A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger t***."

Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"

The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your a***."

Actually this one fits better to our new home turf... again, no offence!

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me do you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me do you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me do you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

OooopsssSS!!!

emron wrote:OooopsssSS!!!

?

nice not bad. just kiddin good to see such topics
lolzzzzzzzzz

Well, I suppose I should have better posted this thread in the fight club section....

Maybe

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Good one, Emron.....

LOL!

lool....

HAPPY HOUR FOR YOU........
Question: Why is the '69' position also called the 'smokers position?'
Answer: Because while she is smoking
the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation? Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he
showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl : "Ooh.. darling! 5 times?"
Old man : "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?"

Man 1 : "My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my
bird and say '1st gear, 2nd gear...'"
Man 2 : "My wife is worse! She
puts my bird inside her and say 'Full tank please'."

Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period? Answer : Your salary; it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble!

Question : What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer : It's Vagina Inn because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant who must leave his 2 baggages outside!

Two prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
princess 1: I smell sperm!
princess 2 : Sorry, I burped!

A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got off the hospital bed, slapped her husband and shouted, "I told you not to do it doggy style!"

A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank. The teller says,
"Sorry, madam, this note is a fake."
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped!"

A man went to the chemist to buy a Viagra.
The Chemist said that it would be useless. The man said, "I am 70, sex is
out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes."

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you comment on this?"
"The truth is that she has a big mouth!"

A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love. She said, "Aww, so solly... exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy back hole laugh out loud!"

Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis called? - The man.


Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" had never seen a tiger before.

Why is breast milk good for health? Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay, I will turn you into a sanitary pad."

Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb."
"No, momma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month!"

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


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