you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk one day when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick
Hannifin. Could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down! I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered once
more, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his number,
I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had had a really bad day,
I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It
would always cheer me up.
Later that year, the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I
thought I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice, "Hello." I
made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office at the telephone company. I'm
just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back
and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
(Keep reading, it gets even better!)
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "Hey, you can't do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his
Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even
hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass. There
sure are a lot of jackasses in this world." Then I noticed he had a "For
Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number
and hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now, since I have his number
on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with
the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought, "I'd better call this
guy, too."
After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!"
I slammed the phone down. After I hung, up I added Don's number to mymspeed dialer. For a while, things really seemed to be going better for me. Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call.
Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up
on it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over there right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung
up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt!"
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over, right now,
Jackass!"
I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay
lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about
the gang war going on down on West. 34th. After that, I climbed into
my car and headed over to watch the festivities.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other infront of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off
the evening news. Give me a call.
