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old, but still good. just stumbled over it again. I think the first version of this review was published in 1997...

Review of SoftMate's Girlfriend Program

This month we have decided to review the different versions of the Girlfriend application from SoftMate. This series has been a non-stop parade of conflicting versions and illegal hacks. We hope to dispel at least some of the confusion here.

Acquaintance 1.31 (Mother of all girlfriends) - This was SoftMate's first application. It was a bare-bones program which was very fast but limited. It provided a friendly, if somewhat aloof, interface which made the user feel comfortable in most cases. It was easy to use, never crashed and generally could be trusted in all situations. The only real drawback was that it had no sex module. This became a real problem with long term and heavy use.

Girlfriend .90b (Beta) - The problems started here as this was not really the Girlfriend series. It was a dismal attempt to port the much acclaimed Acquaintance 1.31 to a multi-threaded environment which would not work properly because the newly written sex module had not been thoroughly tested. The entire beta for the Girlfriend series lasted all of two months and the whole SoftMate series was unstable and suffered from inadequate testing. The beta for Girlfriend had very basic features. It was functional but virtually demanded an upgrade to a more stable version because of the embedded Acquaintance code. The beta was scrapped and an entirely new Girlfriend was created so that it would perform to spec.

Girlfriend 1.0a (Stable) - The first in the current SoftMate family. Some serious design flaws were evident from the beginning because of the addition of Artificial Intelligence. The algorithms used were too vague giving the program some unpredictable characteristics. The sex module worked extremely well, though, and Girlfriend always performed this task reliably. This one feature alone has made this the best selling and least upgraded version. There are occasional crashes especially if all old Acquaintance files are not properly removed or at least marked "hidden".

Girlfriend 1.61c (Upgrade) - Girlfriend matures quite a bit in this release. The interface is slick and pretty. This is also the release which began to incorporate a proprietary file system that eventually locks you into the entire SoftMate series including forced upgrades which become more and more expensive. At this point you will notice an impact of your system resources as Girlfriend becomes more costly to operate. The sex module is very stable but prone to just "chug along" instead of the more dynamic access in version 1.0 Because of the wholesale code changes, a complete un-install package is included which will get rid of Girlfriend forever without adversely affecting cache, resources or other objects.

Girlfriend 2.0 (Fix Release) - This release fixes annoying bugs, but is definitely slower and much more demanding of both time and resources. Version 2 also starts converting all structures into the newer Fiancée/Wife format to ensure a smooth transition. You are hopelessly mired in the product at this point and getting out could be expensive. A Gold or Silver upgrade is required within a defined time period. The sex module is a little erratic and temperamental. One note: If you try to install Girlfriend 2.0 with any previous versions still installed, they will conflict and trash the entire operating system. The new system requirements are very stringent because this version is "object oriented" and all hardware must have gold or platinum contacts.

Fiancée 1.0 (Standard Edition) - Fiancée 1.0 represents a breathing period in the life of this product. It is a stabilization revision with few changes other than that you are now locked in and all of your system assets are tied up in this application. It is a time based version and must be upgraded by a certain date. Failure to do this can cause you severe hardship and force you to start all over by re-installing a brand new Acquaintance. The performance of the sex module is about the same but sometimes refuses to run unless you first clean out the Task List.

Wife 2.0 (Gold Edition) - There is no Wife 1.0 because Girlfriend and Fiancée have become so advanced that Wife has jumped ahead by one full revision. There is also only one version of Wife but the add-ons are copious and varied. There is a "To Do List" which never lets you forget. There is also a "kitchen pass" feature which allows you to leave while Wife is running as long as you are back by the time you've entered into the job queue. The biggest headache with Wife is that you cannot change any of the config files. Wife is responsible for that and changes them without letting you know. The second area of recurring problems is in the sex module. It will sometimes quit working for days or weeks if you don’t handle the rest of the program with great care. In some cases, it ceases to work almost permanently and you are forced into an expensive add-on: Mistress 1.0 Because Mistress is an add-on, it requires Wife to run. This is very dangerous because both Wife and Mistress use the same resources so Mistress files must be "hidden". If Wife discovers and conflicts with Mistress, Wife deletes all Microsoft Money and Quicken files before un-installing itself. All daemons spawned by Wife will disappear while still chewing up system resources. The upgrade to turn Mistress into Girlfriend will then refuse to work giving you a "lack of resources" error message. You are basically screwed. At this point not even Acquaintance will re-install because the hidden files from Mistress will be all over your hard drive and all programs will know about them. You might as well Fdisk and Format your hard drive. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and you will either stick to Girlfriend or permanently write-protect your hard drive before you end up on the soup-line.

The following constitutes all currently known hacks and unauthorized versions of SoftMate products.

Girlfriend 1.0s (Shareware) - Released mainly for testing the multi-user interface. Feel free to pass this version around, but don’t buy it as it is not intended for long term use and is generally more suitable for entertainment purposes. This version tends to run poorly during the week but screams on the weekends.

GirlfriendG (Known as "Groupie") - It is not known for sure if this is a hack or just a corrupt version but it is loosely based on Girlfriend 1.0a The main difference is that this version allows any sports or music application to embed itself into the exposed objects of Girlfriend. Use of this version has the potential for a lawsuit.

GirlfriendDNA - (a.k.a. "FertileFriend") - A particularly nasty hack of 1.61c which runs only on machines with poor security. This version is capable of spawning little daemons at will which require a complete upgrade to Wife (bypassing all versions of Fiancée) to avoid legal action. The only other alternative is to completely rebuild the operating system with a new computer name and physically house it in a new and undisclosed location.

GirlfriendH ("Hooker" version) - This version is for people with old or problem machines and people who know nothing at all about Girlfriend. Price varies depending on the features wanted and you pay a "per use" fee by dialling a 900 number and entering an access code before each session. It will generally run on anything out there. Sometimes you will pay for this hack only to find that it disappears almost as soon as you start the program leaving your business unfinished. It takes prompt action to catch it before it is completely deleted. If that happens you cannot call for help because you had an illegal copy and could be prosecuted. Viruses run rampant in this version.

GirlfriendUA (a.k.a “JailBait”) The source-code for this version is owned by another distributor and has not yet been released for Beta testing. If you are detected using this software criminal prosecution is almost certain. All I know about this release is what I have read in the distributor’s pre-release literature.