SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If
you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Friday and Saturday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will
be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,
and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their
average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing
well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.
J
