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If this is true a "contract" is going out on the dog for deffo and possibly the maid.

Things are serious now.

I heard of a reliable Private Eye company. They are know as "S3 Guys" (Sneaky, Sleezy & Shameless) they'll get to the bottom of it.

Meawhile, the legal firm of "Cheat'em & Fleece'em, LLP" is willing to defend Scourers R Us against Sony. They will even take it on a contingency fee basis! I hear this guys are excellent. So no worries bring them on!

Concord wrote:I heard of a reliable Private Eye company. They are know as "S3 Guys" (Sneaky, Sleezy & Shameless) they'll get to the bottom of it.

Meawhile, the legal firm of "Cheat'em & Fleece'em, LLP" is willing to defend Scourers R Us against Sony. They will even take it on a contingency fee basis! I hear this guys are excellent. So no worries bring them on!

As usual Concs, you are doing us proud. I think a $10,000 ZWD bonus could be in order! What do you say Arnie?

Our Auditors (Fiddlers & Co) are wanting some idea as to when we'll be appointing a new CFO. Any ideas?

Excellent Concs - we will shows these dam sneaky fluffy little dogs who is boss.

If we can suss out where they are or go for "walkies", (hopefully Jumeira Beach road,) we can arrange for a hugeee tarmac roller to veer off the new tarmac and flatten them like a piece of Arabic Bread onto the sidewalk. The paramedics then only have to peel them off the ground.

It could just be a tragic accident.

'ang on...'ang on...'ang on! I have now got to trawl through 15 (!!!) pages of posts to find out what the fcuk you lot are on about! When/if I get the meaning...I may be able to refer it to my solicitors (Messrs. Sue, Grabbit and Runne) and see if there is anything in it!



Knight

Dubai Knight wrote:'ang on...'ang on...'ang on! I have now got to trawl through 15 (!!!) pages of posts to find out what the fcuk you lot are on about! When/if I get the meaning...I may be able to refer it to my solicitors (Messrs. Sue, Grabbit and Runne) and see if there is anything in it!



Knight

Anything in it??? You are an intergral part of our business venture (see around page 11/12!)

[quote=I may be able to refer it to my solicitors (Messrs. Sue, Grabbit and Runne) and see if there is anything in it!

Knight[/quote]

Great, as stated on my previous post Cheat'em and Fleece'em, LLP was already willing to defend Scourer R Us on a contingency fee so it looks like we may have a bidding war between legal counsel. Even the dreaded step of retaining counsel is turning out to be easy on this venture.

We need a "catchy tune" or "gingle" incorporating Scourer R Us, PSP, Dubai Forums. Fayz, et.al. into the lyrics- Someone else should look into this as I am muscially iliterate! Lets Scour the world for the best talent!

how about Bon Jovi "its my Life" renamed "It's my dishes"

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a dish in the sink
You're gonna hear my china
When I chink it out loud

Chorus:
It's my dishes
It's now or never
I ain't gonna wash forever
I just want to scourer while I'm alive
(it's my dishes)
My heart is like an open highway
Like frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my dishes


or


Queen " I want to BREAK free" or "i want to be clean"

I want to be clean
I want to be clean
I want to be clean from your pots
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to be clean
God knows god knows I want to be clean

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows god knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true (hey yea)
I can't get over the way you like me like you do the washing up
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be clean baby
Oh how I want to be clean
Oh how I want to break clean

But life still goes on
I can't get used to scouring without scrubbing without
Scouring without you by my side
I don't want to scour alone hey
God knows got to clean it on my own
So baby can't you see
I've got to be clean

I've got to be clean
I want to break free yeah

I want I want I want I want to be clean....


or Gloria Gaynor "I will survive"

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never clean
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did my scouring
And I grew strong
And I learned how to scour myself
And so you're back
From Jebel Ali
I just walked in to find you here
With that pastel scourer upon your hands
I should have changed that dirty dishwater
I should have made you leave your scourers
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to scour me

Arnie - you officially have got no life!!!


But a sterling effort all the same - we may have problems with the licencing of these tracks is my only concern. And of course, none of us would want to be associated in any way shape of form with music piracy!

NO definately no Music Piracy in any form whatsoever

more tunes

Robbie Williams - Angels renamed Scourer's

I wash and wait
Does an angel contemplate my pots
And do they know
The places where dishes go
When we're dirty and old
'cos I've been told
That salvation lets the staines unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
dishes running through my head
And I feel that my scourer is dead
I'm loving scourer's instead

Chorus

And through it all scourers offers me protection
A lot of scrubbing and protection
Whether I'm dirty or clean
And down the plug hole

Wherever it may take me
I know that dishes won't break me
When I come to wash up she won't help me
I'm loving scourer's instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way kitchen
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with clean dishes
And as the sparkle grows
She breathes suds to my bowl
And when suds are dead
I'm loving scourers instead

Chorus

And through it all scourer's offers me protection
A lot of scrubbing and affection
Whether I'm dirty or clean
And down the plughole
Wherever it may take me
I know that dishes won't break me
When I come to wash up she won't help me
I'm loving scourer's instead

Repeat chorus



Don McLean - American Pie renamed Electrolux Die


A long long time ago
I can still remember
How that dishwasher used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those dishes clean
And maybe they'd be clean for a while
But february made me shiver
With every plate i'd deliver
Bad news on the dishwasher
I couldn't take one more cycle
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about the long repair bill
But something touched me deep inside
The day the dishwasher died
So...

*bye, bye miss electrolux die
cleaned my potty to the sinky but the sinky was dry
And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singing this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Did you write the book of washing up
And do you have faith in god above
If the bible tells you so?
Now do you believe in clean and sparkle?
Can Sourer's save your mortal soul?
And can you teach me how to washup real slow?
Well, I know that you're in love with him
'cause I saw you washing in the kitchen
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues
I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink scourer and a pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the dishwasher died
I started singing(*)


come on then you lots sing along now


*bye, bye miss electrolux die
cleaned my potty to the sinky but the sinky was dry
And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singing this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Ok...gentlemen of the bored...and 'lady' ( I use the term loosely...as she may well be!) having now had a chance to review the business plan in question and evaluate the opportunities arising, I should like to deliver my findings and ongoing recommendations to the bored thus far:

Initial Market research indicates that there is a potential niche within the UAE (enquiries into expansion into the GCC, Levant and general MENA region are ongoing) for a suitably packaged and branded product which has, to date, been classified under a working title as a 'PSD'. In order to circumvent the possiblilty of any class action and having consulted with Messrs Sue Grabbit and Runne (who incidentally have offered to 'scrub' (sic.) their fee, and taking the case on a 'No win, No fee, No way' basis, therefore undercutting the legal counsel bidding war and aiding the initial investment 'cash in a container' situation by at least one ship) it is proposed to actually classify the product as an 'STD' "Scouring Trading Device"

Due to the potential of pre-market launch leakage of the plan and the possibility that one 'EJ' her 'Maid/Assistant' and various canine assistants may be in a position to threaten the security of this global domination, a small team of covert operatives have already begun black operations to expedite this situation with ultimate prejudice. I hope to report soon that 'wet' action has been forthcoming and that the canine portion of the problem together with the 'Maid/Assistant' will soon be playing an integral and supportive role in the foundations of the rapidly growing Burj Dubai complex. Let that be a warning to you young lady and advise you of your now severely weakened position within the scheme of things! Any more threats to the security of the project will be met with suitably intransigent hostile action.

Moving on to the logistics issues before we cover the impending mega launch of the new STD, there has recently come into commission a new Japanese MBC (Mega Bulk Carrier) called the SunTory 4 which is, as I type, making it's way at 22 knots across the South China sea en route to Zimbabwe. This ship has a displacement in excess of 3 million tonnes and will be sufficient to transport the entire requisite budget in one fell swoop, delivering to Khorfakkhan port 18 days hence due to the draft limitations on approach to Jebel Ali. The entire fleet of 34,000 orange sand transporting trucks of the UAE has been reserved to then bring the cash by road to Dubai, under guard from a fleet of 52 Apache gunships, 15 fully ordnanced Harriers and a traffic cop on his new Honda PanEuropean with a flashy blue light on his helmet, where it will be deposited under armed military guard in the 5 underground floors of the new airport terminal building until we can collect our share bit by bit in the back of Mr. Arnie's Jeep. This location has been carefully chosen as it also allows a swift exchange as the product comes on stream and is airfreighted into the cargo terminal...one packet of STD's arrives, one plane load of notes goes back in exchange...

The Government of Zimbabwe have confirmed that the mint in Harare has been put on overtime working to fulfil our requirements and that the Ministry of Finance has decreed that the face value of the Zimbabwean $ will not fluctuate against the Matabele Bongo Bead for the duration of this transaction.

Finally, we come to the mega launch of the all new STD in the region:
The bored are correct in implying that a multi faceted campaign will be required, covering all forms of mainstream ATL (Above the Line) and BTL (Below the Line) media be used. In order to retain a sufficiently high CPTAIR (Cost Per Thousand Audience Impact Ratio) a cross geodemographic spread of A to E consumer targeting is required.

Starting with an exclusively 'A' list launch announcement and gala party to be held in the downstairs toilet of the Burg Al Arab Cafeteria in Al Quoz, including free refreshments (tea, with the tea bag still in it, in a plastic cup with lots of sugar and Rainbow milk) The top dignitaries in the UAE are expected to attend and carriages will be at dawn.

An ambient media teaser campaign will follow over the next 2 weeks leading to ST'D' Day when the product hits the shelves and floors of grocery stores across the land. This will comprise of giant STD's being flown over the city suspended from the bottom of helicopters, teams of bathing costume clad Baywatch beauties running down the SZR in slow motion carrying inflatable STD packets, a team of abseiling naked male models who will clean the flag pole at Union Square using nothing but STD's and the sweat from their own brows, carpet bombing of major outdoor events with STD's under small parachutes from a fleet of Russian IL76 cargo planes and a grand finale firework spectacular at Creek Park where the entire population of Dubai will be invited to attempt to 'Clean the Creek' in an effort to show the ecologically friendly and caring side of the product. This is expected to fail miserably as most people entering the water with either dissolve or be afflicted with numerous deadly tropical diseases almost immediately...but what the hell, it's good for PR!

It is proposed that the colours of the product be designed to appeal directly to the target audience and therefore the STD will be available only in Red, White, Green and Black...the colours of the UAE flag! In order to bring on board other key trade partners, licencing agreements will be put in place with major potential consumers and additional revenue will be generated through these by on pack and POS promotions in such outlets as McDonalds and Burger King as our STD has actually got more flavour and nutrition than the fast food products they currently have on offer!

As the original rights to the product demand remain with Fayz, a truck load of cash will be diverted to his place of residence and deposited via tipper unit at the front door. The TVC will naturally have to include him as the central character of the script. I have been spending the last few days deep within Focus Groups (Mr. Focus Group was thankfully away) and our research shows that a more natural and believeable female lead would glean a higher recall factor and empathy with the lower end of the target audience. A pop poll therefore has determined the TVC script as follows:

Fade from black to domestic kitchen scene with Fayz seen from the back at the sink, naked apart from an apron and yellow marigold rubber gloves with his hands deep in sudsy water.

"I wish I could get the dishes as clean as my wife!
(Pulls dirty plate from water and holds up rusty metal scouring pad)

A broom swings into view and strikes him sharply across the back of the head... Mrs. Fayz, (portrayed by Kathy Staff as Nora Batty from 'Last of the Summer Wine')

"You stupid pillock! How many times have I told you to use the right tools!"

Nora reaches into her voluminous front pocket and pulls out a packet of new UAE coloured STD's and holds to camera...

"You need to use all new UAE STD's, soft on the pots you care about...now get outside and clean the windscreens of all those police cars! There are a 'undred and five waitin'!"

Cut to soft focus pack shot of all new UAE STD's with VO:

"All new UAE STD's...catch one if you can!"


As a final sealer to the undoubted success of the campaign, a team of labourers will be hired to stand just inside every apartment and office block foyer in the city and will hand out leaflets directing residents and workers that they will remain in place, adding to the colour and 'fragrance' of the building, until every person in the building has purchased at least one pack of STD's and brought him the receipt to prove it. These innovative and creative techniques are guaranteed to put sales into the galactic stratosphere, adding to the overall bottom line value of the corporation and thereby hoisting the share value to such a degree that the bored members will be able to cash in their share options immediately and book their tickets to the Bahamas within the week!

I hope that these proposals meet the approval of the bored and remind you that the time is ripe for us to sieze this 'shining' opportunity, 'brush' up our entreprenuerial skills and 'scrub' away any previous doubts that may remain...

I conclude this presentation and look forward to quaffing my share of the ill gotten gains on the verandah of my villa in the Turks and Caicos Islands within the next month...



Knight!

Fekin Hell - its gonna take me 2 days to read this

arniegang wrote:Fekin Hell - its gonna take me 2 days to read this

Took me 2 days to catch up!



Knight

Whooooooooohooooooooooooooo

Top man DK, see Zooter i told you DK is our marketing man. He's done his research and he knows his stuff, thats a fact.

Gald to have you onboard and fully operational buddy.

The board congratulates you on a stirling job. We will discuss your bonus at the next AGM.

arniegang wrote:Whooooooooohooooooooooooooo

Top man DK, see Zooter i told you DK is our marketing man. He's done his research and he knows his stuff, thats a fact.

Gald to have you onboard and fully operational buddy.

The board congratulates you on a stirling job. We will discuss your bonus at the next AGM.

Contributions in 'Sterling' greatfully received! Must get back to Focus Group as she is getting lonely!!!



Knight

Man oh man. Great stuff with the song paradies. Of course that just brings up a new idea.

Scourers R Us should sponsor concert series. For example: "JLo Coming to Dubai this time for real tour - sponsored by Scourers R Us"; "Rolling Stones Octogenerian's Tour ..." "Barbara Strisand's Really Really final tour.."; "Robbie Williams I'm a real singer tour..": "Michael Jackson's I'm really confused tour..." etc. etc.

Anyone with proof of purchase of PSP' get preferential treatment toward purchasing best seats in the house.

Concord wrote:Man oh man. Great stuff with the song paradies. Of course that just brings up a new idea.

Scourers R Us should sponsor concert series. For example: "JLo Coming to Dubai this time for real tour - sponsored by Scourers R Us"; "Rolling Stones Octogenerian's Tour ..." "Barbara Strisand's Really Really final tour.."; "Robbie Williams I'm a real singer tour..": "Michael Jackson's I'm really confused tour..." etc. etc.

Anyone with proof of purchase of PSP' get preferential treatment toward purchasing best seats in the house.

Think you posted this somewhere else by mistake? I responded to it there with sponsorship opportunities...but will now need a mod to move it here!



Knight

DK

I spotted also, i cant move individual posts, i can only spilt a thread from a give point/posts. I can also edit your post and transfer to this thread but it would appear as my post.

Soooo go into the other thread, use the "edit" on your own post then "copy" the whole text including quotes etc. Then do a new reply in this thread and paste the contents into the new post.

You can then either leave your old post in place or delete it.

arniegang wrote:DK

I spotted also, i cant move individual posts, i can only spilt a thread from a give point/posts. I can also edit your post and transfer to this thread but it would appear as my post.

Soooo go into the other thread, use the "edit" on your own post then "copy" the whole text including quotes etc. Then do a new reply in this thread and paste the contents into the new post.

You can then either leave your old post in place or delete it.

Cheers matey...tell me: Where the fcuk did I post it?

Age has withered my old brain and I couldn't find it again!



Knight

Excellent work DK. Fantastic work infact. I agree, a sterling effort by you. As for a sterling reward, well it depends on strength of the Zimbabwean Dollar, and when your container ship can make a return journey. So you may have to wait a few weeks.

Great work once again, and I commend your work to the bored, I mean board.

Mr Secretary - will you please note in the minutes our appreciation for Mr Knight's services to date.

OK! All is not lost!

Concord wrote:Man oh man! Great stuff with the song paradies! Which of course begets a new Idea.

Scourer R Us should sponsor concert series. For example: "JLo this time coming to Dubai for Real - concert sponsored by Scourers R Us"; "Barbara Strasing this time her real last concert"; "Roling Stones Octogenerian Tour": "Bob Dylan's guess what the hell I have said over the past 10 years Tour"; "Robie Williams' I'm a real singer Tour"; "Michael Jacson's I am still alive tour", etc.

In all of this anyone with "proof of purchase" of a set of SPS' get preferential treatment for the best seats in the house.

I think Michael Jackson would actually be a good brand ambassador for the all new UAE STD product...he and an airy fairy bit of plastic have quite a lot in common!

Failing that...Cher!

But MJ is closer and the ticket will cost less on Air Arabia...



Negotiations will begin immediately, our people will talk to their people!



Knight

here DK

http://www.dubaiforums.com/viewtopic.ph ... ght=#52904

So I guess now we just have to wait on news from EJ - she's been pretty quiet today. I suspect she has realised her plan has been rumbled!

the_zooter wrote:So I guess now we just have to wait on news from EJ - she's been pretty quiet today. I suspect she has realised her plan has been rumbled!

Hopefully she is looking for the maid and the cute little puppies! She'll need a pneumatic drill to find them!!!



Knight

Us business types are so unforgiving - the little cute fluffy dog has concrete wellies on

Dont mess with the SRU Board.

arniegang wrote:Us business types are so unforgiving - the little cute fluffy dog has concrete wellies on

Dont mess with the SRU Board.

And I have a watertight alibi! I was absolutely nowhere near Dubai at the time!!

ditto

The Soprano's got nothing on us guy - We are the DF Mafia
- anyone got a horse??

Sorry...the horse lost, by a head!



Knight

Dubai Knight wrote:Sorry...the horse lost, by a head!



Knight

PMSL!!!
Did it lose anywhere near to EJ by any chance??