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How do you deal with a person who hates you for the sake of hating you? She is not my mother in law yet and if its up to her, she will never be. We met a few times only, but the poison coming from her is becoming too much.

1st it was at the beginning of the relation, when he took me home with some other people and we all went there as friends. Shortly after, she learned I was more than a friend and the 1st chance she got, she literally jumped me - all the colors of the rainbow, trying to humiliate, emmotional blackmail, crying, you name it.

since than hatered just keeps coming, I cannot step in their house, makes a scene if it happens that I sit in her son's car when she is there - of course not in front of me, she has no gutts to do that, Christmas, NY's Eve, birthdays, each and every occasion she gets, she would make sure to put him on the road, just so he cannot spend time with me.

what is wrong with these kind of people? Is it that they really don't get how they are hurting their own children as well? Sometimes I wonder if such a woman loves her own son...I mean you cannot possibly call this love. And yeah, most times it takes 2, but as much as I'd want to take some blame on myself in the hopes that I've caused some of this, hence could fix it, I cannot. I haven't lifted a finger against her.

So here are my 2 questions:

1. Can a woman like her ever be turned around? Is there something one can do to change this hatred?

2. Is there any chance with a man who has such a mother? Or she will end up winning, even with the cost of ending up with a 40-50 year old single son

You've written alot about how much you hate her but nothing about how much you love him despite this......think you know the answer already.....

You have passed a judgement way to quickly...

Am I angry sometimes? yes. Am I hurt sometimes? yes. Do I feel sometimes I should just walk away because nothing will be ever good enough? yes.

hate? no. If you haven't experienced somebody hating you just for reason that you exist, don't pass judgements or think you know better. You don't.

Those who do know what it feels like being in similar shoes, I'd be happy listen to what you have to say.

Well these situations are always difficult, sadly you get some mothers, who no matter wonderful a girl is, will never be good enough for their sons. They're afraid of losing them etc etc.

I would say that if you have been with the guy for quite a while and you see it going somewhere then you need to confront both your boyfriend and the mother regarding the situation. You need to tell him what is going on, because obviously he has no idea. Secondly pull the mother aside and tell her in no uncertain terms that you will stand to be treated this way. Her son is with you, he has chosen to be with you and whilst you respect her (becaue you will have to be nice to her when you do this), that the way she is behaving is unfair and disrespectful not only to you but to her son aswell.

Is it that the boyfriend really doesn't see what is going on, or doesn't want to see? Talk to him about it and ask him to have an open mind about what you are going to tell him and tell him the same thing you posted (well most of it anyway!). Whatever you do, don't bad mouth his mother. Based on what he has to say, suggest a sitdown with his mother, either the three of you or you and his mother. If he says he will talk to her, fine, but if it continues tell him that you would like for the three of you to sit down, or you would like to sit with her one-on-one. If he objects to either, then you are going to find out exactly where you stand an will always stand if you proceed with the relationship. If you get to sit down with the mother, tell her that you don't want to compete with her for her son's affection and that you would prefer to be united, not divided.

If he's a mama's boy, you may as well end it now rather than later.

Good luck to you.

Yeah I'd say that too, if he's a mummy's boy you haven't got much hope and he's not going to go against his mother.

You should insist on living separately from his mother before wedding. More distance between two women means better relationship in the future.
Eventually you gonna mary the guy, not his mother.
Having his mother in law on distance you can do with the man whatever you want - most of us cannot resist this soft power.

Red Chief wrote:You should insist on living separately from his mother before wedding. More distance between two women means better relationship in the future.
Eventually you gonna mary the guy, not his mother.
Having his mother in law on distance you can do with the man whatever you want - most of us cannot resist this soft power.

Chief, I think this is a case of, marry me, marry my mother!! And you're right about the distance. Putting two countries between them would help.

girlindubai wrote:How do you deal with a person who hates you for the sake of hating you? She is not my mother in law yet and if its up to her, she will never be. We met a few times only, but the poison coming from her is becoming too much.

1st it was at the beginning of the relation, when he took me home with some other people and we all went there as friends. Shortly after, she learned I was more than a friend and the 1st chance she got, she literally jumped me - all the colors of the rainbow, trying to humiliate, emmotional blackmail, crying, you name it.

since than hatered just keeps coming, I cannot step in their house, makes a scene if it happens that I sit in her son's car when she is there - of course not in front of me, she has no gutts to do that, Christmas, NY's Eve, birthdays, each and every occasion she gets, she would make sure to put him on the road, just so he cannot spend time with me.

what is wrong with these kind of people? Is it that they really don't get how they are hurting their own children as well? Sometimes I wonder if such a woman loves her own son...I mean you cannot possibly call this love. And yeah, most times it takes 2, but as much as I'd want to take some blame on myself in the hopes that I've caused some of this, hence could fix it, I cannot. I haven't lifted a finger against her.

So here are my 2 questions:

1. Can a woman like her ever be turned around? Is there something one can do to change this hatred?

2. Is there any chance with a man who has such a mother? Or she will end up winning, even with the cost of ending up with a 40-50 year old single son

Wait till she dies. Only way.

Bora Bora wrote:Chief, I think this is a case of, marry me, marry my mother!!

My dear, you overestimated our power. Man can lay down any conditions but has something opposite in the end.

Actually it's quite common situation - my mother has been triying to separate me with my wife for 15 years without visible success.

Red Chief wrote:

Bora Bora wrote:Chief, I think this is a case of, marry me, marry my mother!!

My dear, you overestimated our power. Man can lay down any conditions but has something opposite in the end.

Actually it's quite common situation - my mother has been triying to separate me with my wife for 15 years without visible success.

I never over-estimate anyone Chief!! And hat's off to you for standing by your wife. But after 15 years, doesn't your mother get it - that you're not coming back?

Dear Bora,
20 years later if you keep your "enthusiasm" at the same level you will probably understand feeling of my mother better.

you shouldnt worry about the mother in law because you will be married to the guy and you will be living with him not her.

just ignore her and be strong. I guess she is only being like this so that you run away and she can then get her son to marry the girl she likes.

but try not to come between the mother in law and your hubby.

Red Chief wrote:Dear Bora,
20 years later if you keep your "enthusiasm" at the same level you will probably understand feeling of my mother better.

I'm wondering if you chose to stay with the one that was the lesser of two evils. You know, the one who would bend to your demands.

rudeboy wrote:you shouldnt worry about the mother in law because you will be married to the guy and you will be living with him not her.

just ignore her and be strong. I guess she is only being like this so that you run away and she can then get her son to marry the girl she likes.

but try not to come between the mother in law and your hubby.

Is this what you would tell your future wife?? Basically saying, stay in the background when mummy is in the room. Remember darling, she was first in my life before you.

he knows. He loves his mother dearly, but in the same time they don't have a warm close relationship, nor does he behave or talk with her as if he was mommy's boy.

As frustrated as this situation makes me, I can't hate her, but in the same time I dont' know how much longer I'll be able to hold on when I feel like she is the wife and I'm the lover...

girlindubai wrote:he knows. He loves his mother dearly, but in the same time they don't have a warm close relationship, nor does he behave or talk with her as if he was mommy's boy.

As frustrated as this situation makes me, I can't hate her, but in the same time I dont' know how much longer I'll be able to hold on when I feel like she is the wife and I'm the lover...

Well you shouldn't hate her. She needs to be pitied if she can't let go of her son, and he needs to be pitied if he knows what is going on and allows it. Where is his respect for you and your feelings? If he isn't going to correct the situation now, trust me, when it gets worse, he won't do it then. And if he's telling you it will get better after you are married - he's lying!! What you are going through now is mild compared to what would be in store for you after marriage.

You are supposed to be happy!!! I think subconsciously you know what you have to do. Whatever hurt you experience now is nothing compared to what awaits you down the road.

Im getting married soon, hope no problems for me!

Ok I'll be optimistic here,

Yea some mother's are posessive, so what? It's not a crime to love someone too much, now is it.

It's like a parent with two kids. Siblings are always fighting, that's normal and no parent would ever imagine a scenario where the fighting gets so bitter that it could tear a family apart.
This is a similar scenario. From the guys perspective, it would tear him apart to see the two most important people in his life squabbling so bitterly. He expects the two of you to work it out.

So I suggest you communicate with him. Tell him very implitcitly that his mom's behaviour is putting ur relationship under incredible duress.
He then needs to go and communicate this with his mother. He needs to tell her that he think's his relationship with you has a future and that she needs to back off. That should do the trick. If things still do not improve, then I guess it's pack up time.

Don't even think of shunting out the mother. Even if ur successfull it'll just make the guy miserable. Communication here is the key.

Reminds me of when a sis of mine got married.
She begain dating this guy and my dad over protective as ever was a real pain in the guys @ss. Until one fine day my sister took ma dad into confidence and told him, that she got something great, and there might even be a future in it. My Dad immediately backed down, but they always kept him a part of the relationship. This guy and ma dad would go for games, go to pubs etc. And this arrangement worked just fine. Now my sis is married to the guy, with kids et all.

Wrong example, MCL, because both of them are guys, not two women on one kitchen.

Guys can resolve even worse cases the way you mentioned. For instance how it worked in America recently:
http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/ ... O420090725

Red Chief wrote:Wrong example, MCL, because both of them are guys, not two women on one kitchen.

Guys can resolve even worse cases the way you mentioned. For instance how it worked in America recently:
http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/ ... O420090725

You think so? Women get along now don't they?

I think here is guy should do something. because he is the one who knows you and his mother best. yo u should aware him of the situation. anything you do even a nice thing may seem not right to the mother. he should guide you in this.

well... almost right... women can't get along if both are stubborn and possessive. and they will hurt each other and the poor guy terrible!

Misery Called Life wrote:Reminds me of when a sis of mine got married.
She begain dating this guy and my dad over protective as ever was a real pain in the guys @ss. Until one fine day my sister took ma dad into confidence and told him, that she got something great, and there might even be a future in it. My Dad immediately backed down, but they always kept him a part of the relationship. This guy and ma dad would go for games, go to pubs etc. And this arrangement worked just fine. Now my sis is married to the guy, with kids et all.

This was a case of the father respecting his daughter's wishes and probably thought better to join them than lose her altogether.

Misery Called Life wrote:Ok I'll be optimistic here,

Yea some mother's are posessive, so what? It's not a crime to love someone too much, now is it.

It's like a parent with two kids. Siblings are always fighting, that's normal and no parent would ever imagine a scenario where the fighting gets so bitter that it could tear a family apart.
This is a similar scenario. From the guys perspective, it would tear him apart to see the two most important people in his life squabbling so bitterly. He expects the two of you to work it out.

So I suggest you communicate with him. Tell him very implitcitly that his mom's behaviour is putting ur relationship under incredible duress.
He then needs to go and communicate this with his mother. He needs to tell her that he think's his relationship with you has a future and that she needs to back off. That should do the trick. If things still do not improve, then I guess it's pack up time.

Don't even think of shunting out the mother. Even if ur successfull it'll just make the guy miserable. Communication here is the key.

MCL, there are two people in a marriage, not three. I don't think there is a ceremony where the person performing the marriage said: I now pronounce the three of you married.

If she went into it accepting the mother's behavior, rest assured mother will make him miserable for marrying her. Either way, the poor bugger is going to be miserable, along with the wife and mother. A miserable threesome doomed to fail. If she does proceed, she can just tell him that she will never keep him from his mother, nor his mother from him, but tell him that he shouldn't ask her or expect her to subject herself to the mother's abuse and will not be part of that triangle and from the point on not discuss the mother with him. This way she isn't putting him in a position to "chose" one over the other. Then the only one he will have to deal with is his mother, when over time he might get really sick and tired of listening to mummy rant about wifey, grow a pair and stand up to mummy.

I don't believe anywhere that MCL stated that she should put up with the mothers behaviour! She said it has to be dealt with of the girl has to leave! Which I reckon is the right course of action, they guy has to tell his mother to back off and if it doesn't work, then bin the whole thing as it's not worth it.

Wow all this attention, ladies I'm flattered!

Mommas boys are trouble no doubt...I mean every grown up man should know when it's time to be independant. But if the girl here deems there is salvage value in this relationship, then I guess she ought to try and save it. Who knows maybe the mother was simply over protective. Personally I'd never advocate getting parents involved until an engagement date has been set!

Chocoholic wrote:I don't believe anywhere that MCL stated that she should put up with the mothers behaviour! She said it has to be dealt with of the girl has to leave! Which I reckon is the right course of action, they guy has to tell his mother to back off and if it doesn't work, then bin the whole thing as it's not worth it.

Shaddup.

She has brought him up by herself, gave him a good education and good values in terms of what kind of person he should be. So all my respects for that.

From how I see it, problem is, with all that has been provided to him, she also made sure he would feel in debt with her. Which I no longer can agree with. My parents did the same and I love and respect them for all that, but hey, they have signed up for it when they decided to have me, 2. a child is not a parent's property, but an invidual with own ideas and will, 3. just because a child has a different view or choice on something, does not mean he/she shows disrespect to the parent

Sometimes I feel like I need to play a very smart game here if I want to "win". Win not in terms of getting rid of her, but make him see that this is hurting me and if he loves me, he cannot expect me to just keep taking the sht and ignore her...only that playing games makes me miserable, as its not in my nature and is harming our relation because it makes me bitter

Chocoholic wrote:I don't believe anywhere that MCL stated that she should put up with the mothers behaviour! She said it has to be dealt with of the girl has to leave! Which I reckon is the right course of action, they guy has to tell his mother to back off and if it doesn't work, then bin the whole thing as it's not worth it.

I have to chuckle here FC. Here is what appears to be a nice girl having problems with someone who may become her mother-in-law, because the mother won't let go.

On the other hand, I'm sure that there are mothers who are right in protecting their sons. I know that if I had a son, and he brought someone like you home and he persisted in going forward with a relationship, I would have him committed to find out if he was really crazy. If he was certified, then I would bless the marriage as you two would be very compatable. Then I would move to another country to get as far away as possible from the both of you!! If he was not certified, I would let it proceed, move out of the country and wait for him to return home once he faced the reality that he was married to a nut case.