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I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife Jordan's fanny. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

WHY DO women keep telling me to go f*$# myself? If I could f*$# myself, I wouldn't be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place. Heath Barrett, Tasmania

SO IT'S our car, our house and our money, but I notice it's always her breasts. There's feminism for you. Neil, e-mail

I'M FED up with people moaning about the recent floods and complaining that their councils did little to help. My dad was caught in a flood and he didn't just sit on his fat arse waiting for the council to bring him some sandbags. He got his finger out and built a bloody great boat and filled it with animals. Not bad for a six-hundred year old. Japheth, Mount Ararat

SO STING is able to have sex with his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. J. Leonard, Hull

I'M A DRIVER, but the rising cost of fuel prices doesn't bother me as I always put 10 pounds worth in my tank. G.B., Derby

I HAD TO laugh the other day. I was sniffing nitrous oxide. T. Paddock, Sedbergh

THEY SAY that good manners cost nothing. Nonsense. I sent my daughter to a posh finishing school in Switzerland, and it cost me twenty grand. J. Morgan, Wigan

LADIES' darts nights in pubs around the country could be improved by scrapping the usual game of 501, and just going straight for double one, which is where most games finish anyway. The time saved could then be spent drinking more heavily than usual and fighting in the car park. Neil Hanson, e-mail

IF THE Americans can't find Osama Bin Laden, they should stop looking, sit down with a cup of tea and try to think where they saw him last. This always works when I can't find my car keys or glasses. M. Ross, London

BEARING in mind the large amount of pornography available on the internet and the forthcoming free internet access, now would be a prudent time to invest in shares in tissue manufacturers and companies that make sore-genitals cream. John Hunt, Edinburgh

I WAS READING Razzle this morning and I couldn't help thinking that if these were the readers' wives, no wonder their husbands read jazzmags. Mike Barman, e-mail

SURELY there was no need to move the News at Ten to make way for all-action Hollywood blockbuster movies. Trevor MacDonald could simply have read the news whilst on fire, being blasted through a large pane of sugar glass by a huge fireball explosion, flailing his arms and legs pointlessly. In a vest. M. Radcliffe, Ipswich

CAN YOU settle an argument? My wife says I'm a drunken b@st2rd for coming home at 3 in the morning and urinating in the wardrobe. I say she's a lazy cow who never makes any effort to look nice, and if she gave me a bit now and then I wouldn't have to go looking for it elsewhere. Who is correct? T. Arnold, London

I DECIDED to save all my money for a rainy day. The next day it rained, and having saved less than 15 pounds, I spent it all on a few cans of Special Brew and some weed. M. Jones, Bradford

I used to love Viz, I didn't know it was still going!

Viz for trashy humour and Private Eye for trashy journalism, everyone should have the stomach for it.

When you're lying in the gutter you can see the stars more clearly.

Speedhump wrote:I used to love Viz, I didn't know it was still going!

Viz for trashy humour and Private Eye for trashy journalism, everyone should have the stomach for it.

When you're lying in the gutter you can see the stars more clearly.

It's a bunch of journos with far too much time on their hands!