Sages Copied & Pasted Joke of the day

sage & onion

[color=blue] Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home??????????? ********************************* [/color]

zonker

....then there was this old man who was stung by some wasps on his 'private parts'. He went to the doctor, and said " Doc, give me something to take away the pain, but leave the swelling."

zonker

Hello Have you heard of this new potency pill, even better than viagra? It has only one side effect.........if you swallow it too slowly, you end up with a stiff neck..... :oops:

Not_Sure

sage & onion wrote: A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names". The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago". ************************************ hehehe....this sounds like me...

sage & onion

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

sage & onion

[color=brown]Cough Syrup The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."[/color]

sage & onion

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell. Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair. George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair. Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"

yorky500

hahahahahahhaa, Queenie will never die, long live the Queen. :lol:

pinoy1

Politicians in my country won't even get a glimpse of hell, the devil is insecure of them and is afraid they might conspire to overthrow him. :evil:

zam

pinoy1 wrote: Politicians in my country won't even get a glimpse of hell, the devil is insecure of them and is afraid they might conspire to overthrow him. :evil: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sniper420

good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint

St.Lucifer

Good one.. 've heard it with india's different states' names instead.

sage & onion

sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes???

AnnaSvensson

sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? What's going on there????? :shock:

^ian^

sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :?

sage & onion

^ian^ wrote: sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? Exactly :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sniper420

^ian^ wrote: sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? grammatical mistake Ian u should have said , Have I.......... would fit u better. :lol:

sage & onion

sniper420 wrote: ^ian^ wrote: sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? grammatical mistake Ian u should have said , Have I.......... would fit u better. :lol: Ian & Snipes = Best Mates :sign5:

Concord

^ian^ wrote: sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? More like his mother's basement.

sage & onion

Ian & Snipes & Concs = Best Mates

sniper420

Concord wrote: ^ian^ wrote: sage & onion wrote: sniper420 wrote: good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? More like his mother's basement. with th IQ of HP what better retort can u think :roll:

sage & onion

[color=brown]Computer Dependency [/color] [color=green]This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To know the answer, look down!!! [/color] [color=red]Not here, dummy![/color]

sage & onion

[color=brown]Bad Sunburn[/color] A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired. The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."

bushra21

:lol:

dubailover

Lol...hilarious...but don't say anything about Our Queen :D

sage & onion

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

sage & onion

Mondays Joke of the day; Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" Tuesday's Joke of the day; A small boy is sent to bed by his mother... [Five minutes later] "Mom..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Mom..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Mommm..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

Nosferatu

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?" Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Nosferatu

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

sage & onion

Good one :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey, I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Legendkiller

good one :lol:

Legendkiller

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Austin, Texas. Sam, who's always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, sees a pair on sale, buys them and wears them home. He walks in the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room with nothing on, except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!!" Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. You shoulda bought a hat."

Nosferatu

S&O.... that was a gud one...

Nosferatu

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?" The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?" She says: "Pepper."

sage & onion

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

sage & onion

Retirement- what do I do every day? Young people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi bastard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an asshole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket. I called his mother a slut and a whore. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I orally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

zam

Bwahahhahahha

sage & onion

[color=red] It could only happen in Glasgow, eh? [/color] Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f***ing stoap it then!"

isabela

:lol:

nacdxb

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA ! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK THEY ARE NUTS

sage & onion

NELSON MANDELA Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

sage & onion

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER! A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... . . . (Wait for it). . . . . . . . . . . "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

sage & onion

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either".

sage & onion

The Problem in Iraq President Bush met recently with his father, ex president Bush to ask him about the problem in Iraq, and what to do about it. In reply, George's father said, "Son, you have the same problem in Iraq, as I did with your mother. You didn't pull out in time." ***************************

sage & onion

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

isabela

...ache ache :!: :!: :!: :lol:

sage & onion

Vatican News Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate 100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to 300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate 500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it."and he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.....The good news is that the Church will come into 500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account"

gtmash

sage & onion wrote: Vatican News Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account" But.....what is Hovis? Bread company?

sage & onion

gtmash wrote: sage & onion wrote: Vatican News Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account" But.....what is Hovis? Bread company? Hovis is a brand name for a certain type of brown bread in the UK.

gtmash

sage & onion wrote: gtmash wrote: sage & onion wrote: Vatican News Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account" But.....what is Hovis? Bread company? Hovis is a brand name for a certain type of brown bread in the UK. Hehe, ok. Keep 'em coming.

Palkid7

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned to him "What the hell do you want?" The man smiled, then lay back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart. "

zam

:lol: :lol: :lol:

easternjewel

A short story about a millionaire in San Francisco who borrows $5,000 with a Rolls Royce as collateral. A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?" :lol: :lol: :lol:

St.Lucifer

sage & onion wrote: WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart. " hahahahah :lol::lol::lol::lol:

St.Lucifer

easternjewel wrote: A short story about a millionaire in San Francisco who borrows $5,000 with a Rolls Royce as collateral. A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one , had got it some time back as one of those gazillion fwds but those days, it was an 'Indian Business man' :)

Legendkiller

A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get out of my cab" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later, having worked long and hard to attain financial success, he returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, way at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get out of my cab." said the cabbie. The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man lowered the window, gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver as they went by.

gtmash

St.Lucifer wrote: easternjewel wrote: A short story about a millionaire in San Francisco who borrows $5,000 with a Rolls Royce as collateral. A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one , had got it some time back as one of those gazillion fwds but those days, it was an 'Indian Business man' :) Indian businessman! NOW it makes more sense! Good one about the cab driver too.

sage & onion

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

isabela

hey i have this on my email ... still funny..... :lol:

zam

Words dad :P

Legendkiller

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"

sage & onion

zam wrote: Words dad :P Who your Dad Girl?

asc_26

Legendkiller wrote: A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?" LK makes me laugh again. :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

*Subject:* chili cook-off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the score-card notes from the event: CHILI # 1-MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2-AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeños tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3-FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4-BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5-LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6-VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7-SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8-BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3- No Report

sage & onion

*Subject:* chili cook-off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the score-card notes from the event: CHILI # 1-MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2-AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeños tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3-FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4-BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5-LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6-VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7-SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8-BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3- No Report

zam

DONT'S when you are sleeping DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health. DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first. DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep. DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it. DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' HUSBAND 0R WIFE You may never wake up again. :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

[color=blue]A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today." *******************************[/color]

pinoy1

A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile and pyromaniac in a psychiatric ward. SADIST: hey, why don't we torture a cat? ZOOPHILE: let's torture then f*ck it. MURDERER: you should torture it, f*ck it then kill it. NECROPHILE: once it's dead,. let's f*ck it again. PYROMANIAC: yeah! then let's set it on fire! **SILENCE** They all looked at the MASOCHIST and said "What about you? Do you have anything to say?" MASOCHIST: meow. :?

pinoy1

In a bus, a lady hears 2 jamaican men engaged in animated discussion: "Emma cum 1st then I cum then 2 asses cum together. I cum once-a-more. 2 asses, dey cum together again. I cum again and pee twice. then I cum 1 last time." Lady: " you foul-mouthed sex-obsessed jerks, in this country we dont speak aloud about our sex lives in public places" Jamaican: " hey coola down lady, who talkin about sex? Ima justa tellina my friend how to spella MISSISSIPPI."

ineedacoolnick

Cowboy A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the rancher's widow said "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. " Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Legendkiller

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

sage & onion

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. <Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". <Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow". Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome". Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

jabbajabba

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down on your hang an nees and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

abdalrasheed

zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it. :lol: :lol: :lol: Interesting enough. Nice idea

bushra21

abdalrasheed wrote: zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it. :lol: :lol: :lol: Interesting enough. Nice idea so you wear bra's...

abdalrasheed

zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' HUSBAND 0R WIFE You may never wake up again. :lol: :lol: :lol: Anyone is ready? dont want to wake up again.

sage & onion

abdalrasheed wrote: zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' HUSBAND 0R WIFE You may never wake up again. :lol: :lol: :lol: Anyone is ready? dont want to wake up again. Hey AR you didn't answer Bushra's question :wink:

abdalrasheed

bushra21 wrote: abdalrasheed wrote: zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it. :lol: :lol: :lol: Interesting enough. Nice idea so you wear bra's... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Not Really but they pose a big obstacle

abdalrasheed

sage & onion wrote: abdalrasheed wrote: zam wrote: DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' HUSBAND 0R WIFE You may never wake up again. :lol: :lol: :lol: Anyone is ready? dont want to wake up again. Happy Hey AR you didn't answer Bushra's question :wink:

sage & onion

Thank you 8)

abdalrasheed

you are welcome. But not always

sage & onion

abdalrasheed wrote: you are welcome. But not always Whatever :roll:

bushra21

abdalrasheed wrote: you are welcome. But not always you are not welcome ever.

abdalrasheed

bushra21 wrote: abdalrasheed wrote: you are welcome. But not always you are not welcome ever. I never loose hope, Dear Bushy

rammie

The Bacon Tree >>> >>> >>>Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and >>>close to >>>death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the >>>inevitable, >>> >>>when all of a sudden....... >>> >>>"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet" >>> >>>"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". >>> >>>So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, >>>and >>>there, >>>in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. >>> >>>There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, >>>back >>>bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig >>>meat. >>> >>>"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree". >>> >>>"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't >>>forget" >>> >>>"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like >>>bacon...ees >>>no >>>meerage, ees a bacon tree". >>> >>>And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 >>>metres, >>>Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun >>>opens >>> >>>up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally >>>wounded >>>but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his >>>dying >>>breath. >>> >>>"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree" >>> >>>"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it? >>> >>>"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.. >>> >>>Ees >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>> >>>Eees a Ham Bush. >>>

sage & onion

Subject : RE: Ahhhhh... Christmas! There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $90, which they put into an envelope and sent it to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, again addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $10 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely yours, Edna"

abdalrasheed

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

abdalrasheed

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedroon with empty sacks!

abdalrasheed

Jane Doe - A 37 year old mother of two after being deceited by her best friend Shelley and husband Mark put a billboard ad in Birmingham City Centre Depicting as under: TO MY 'DEAR HUSBAND' MARK AND MY 'BEST FRIEND' SHELLEY, YOU ARE THE MOST DESPICABLE, DECEITFUL PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I'M DISGUTED. I'VE CHANGED THE LOCKS MARK, BURNT YOUR CLOTHES AND EMPTIED OUR JOINT ACCOUNT - TO PAY FOR THI POSTER. YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER. This story appeared in City Times pages of Khaleej Times of today.

sage & onion

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

abdalrasheed

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,I'm going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

abdalrasheed

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a f*cking a*shole ..."

abdalrasheed

Wives never refuse to do following 3 : 1. shopping 2. Visiting her parents 3. ..............

abdalrasheed

Women stick to her one & only love Men want to spread love Women can only love with one Men can love many women at one time Isn't it a big difference between men and women

sage & onion

This poem was nominated for Best Poem of 2005, written by an African Kid ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- When I Born, I Black When I grow up, I Black When I go in sun, I Black When I sick, I Black, and When I die, I still Black And U White fella, When u born, u pink When u grow up, u white When u go in sun, u red When u cold, u blue When u Scared, u yellow When u sick, u green, and When u die, u gray And--------- ----- You calling me coloured ??? ********************************************************

gtmash

sage & onion wrote: This poem was nominated for Best Poem of 2005, written by an African Kid ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- When I Born, I Black When I grow up, I Black When I go in sun, I Black When I sick, I Black, and When I die, I still Black And U White fella, When u born, u pink When u grow up, u white When u go in sun, u red When u cold, u blue When u Scared, u yellow When u sick, u green, and When u die, u gray And--------- ----- You calling me coloured ??? ******************************************************** If the African kid is claiming originality, he is a damn liar. I heard this exact thing 15 years ago as a kid, from my Asian pal, who heard it from his buddies.

sage & onion

MAC :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

MAC

sage & onion wrote: MAC :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: move this crap too!

sage & onion

MAC wrote: sage & onion wrote: MAC :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: move this crap too! Not at all, best laugh I had all day :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sage & onion

[color=blue]A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way". ******************************[/color]

rudeboy

How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday: Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean? A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.... Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem..... Q. Does India have cars? A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes. Q. Does India have TV? A. No. We only have cable. Q. Are all Indians vegetarian? A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India. Q. How come you speak English so well? A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English. Q. Are you a Hindi? A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. Q. Do you speak Hindu? A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school. Q. India is very hot, isn't it? A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India. Q. Are there any business companies in India? A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work. Q. Indians cannot beef, huh? A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat. Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly? A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there. Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that? A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk. Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work? A. I prefer it to coming naked. _________________ rudey

sage & onion

Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Bridgetown who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Tampa and one of my sisters, who lives in Sarasota, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Miami. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Stark for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Manatee County Jail on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jacksonville and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush? Signed, Worried About My Reputation

sauron

>THE LONELY BRAIN CELL > >Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened >to end up in a man's head. > > >She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. > > >"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. > >"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. > >Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at >the >top of her voice, > >"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" > > >Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. > >"We're down here .

sage & onion

Actual Exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! " Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! Yo u turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

sage & onion

[color=red]Santa and the Angel[/color] When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

sage & onion

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

sage & onion

You know you're really trailer trash when... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Legendkiller

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."

sage & onion

Legendkiller wrote: An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR." Nastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Legendkiller

i'm just getting started :twisted: A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married so she put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old man beamed a broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

gtmash

^ I guess he rang the doorbell with his tongue. No wait...that's still dirty.

sauron

:D Which reminds me: How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears!

sage & onion

A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff. 'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call a "chief worrier"! Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?' 'Certainly,' said the applicant. 'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?' 'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'

sage & onion

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

sage & onion

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Arab asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you... but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near total collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie...."

sage & onion

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

errtime

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture! Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? A: Third grade. Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch. Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

errtime

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

errtime

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

errtime

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

errtime

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex. The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed." The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!" The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"

errtime

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor? Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "Well for one thing, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur

errtime

sage & onion

JOIN THE FERTILIZER CLUB - FREE! This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood. Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave. Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

hack88

kinda lame

sage & onion

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

bushra21

The gift [color=indigo] To the girl[/color] [color=green] To the guy[/color] A diamond ring [color=indigo] You're ready to get serious and spend the rest of your life with her.[/color][color=green] You're giving up on sex with other women...at least as far as she'll know.[/color] A diamond bracelet [color=indigo] You're not quite ready to settle down, but you're still very much in love.[/color] [color=green]The circumference of this bracelet is exactly how fat she can get before her ass is dumped.[/color] A puppy [color=indigo] You're a loving, caring individual who wants a permanent new member of the relationship.[/color][color=green] Now when you want to watch football or go to a strip club, she can still get affection without cheating on you.[/color] A scented candle [color=indigo] While a little thoughtless, at least it shows you're willing to spend a romantic night together.[/color] [color=green] She smells.[/color] A spa gift certificate [color=indigo] While something concrete would have been better, at least you're thinking of her needs and desires.[/color][color=green] Maybe they'll be able to massage some of the bitch out of her.[/color] A restaurant gift certificate [color=indigo] It'll be nice to have a night out together.[/color] [color=green]You'll wind up having to pick up the check anyway, so you might as well pay upfront.[/color] A Best Buy gift certificate [color=indigo] You're thoughtless and blind to her needs.[/color] [color=green] Maybe she'll get the hint and furnish her place with some technology like a new TV.[/color] An abortion clinic gift certificate [color=indigo]Oh my God. [/color] [color=green] Don't get pregnant [/color]

zam

:lol:

sage & onion

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, Puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness it’s Friday, get it?" The man answered,"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday."

sage & onion

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me." *****************************************************************

sage & onion

This will warm your heart just when you have lost your faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor , Florida , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School : God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces . It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. ===========================================================

sage & onion

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Not_Sure

hahaha! excellent!

Galactico

haha :lol: :lol:

Legendkiller

:lol:

sage & onion

Here is an interesting substitute for the flu shot: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with te