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Dubai Expat Forum - Fight Club

Sages Copied & Pasted Joke of the day


sage & onion [color=blue] Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound judgment that you have a sound mind. The bad
news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home???????????
********************************* [/color]
zonker ....then there was this old man who was stung by some wasps on his 'private parts'. He went to the doctor, and said " Doc, give me something to take away the pain, but leave the swelling." zonker Hello Have you heard of this new potency pill, even better than viagra? It has only one side effect.........if you swallow it too slowly, you end up with a stiff neck..... :oops: Not_Sure
hehehe....this sounds like me... sage & onion Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." sage & onion [color=brown]Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."[/color] sage & onion Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell. Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair. George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair. Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "One dollar". Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local" yorky500 hahahahahahhaa, Queenie will never die, long live the Queen. :lol: pinoy1 Politicians in my country won't even get a glimpse of hell, the devil is insecure of them and is afraid they might conspire to overthrow him. :evil: zam
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

1 Dubai Jobs .com The First Place to Find a Job in Dubai
sniper420 good one sage :lol: but zimbawe aint hell........just balcks rule it aint St.Lucifer Good one.. 've heard it with india's different states' names instead. sage & onion
Have you been to Zimbabwe lately Sinpes??? AnnaSvensson
What's going on there????? :shock: ^ian^
Has he been out of his bedroom lately? :? :? sage & onion
Exactly :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sniper420
grammatical mistake Ian u should have said , Have I.......... would fit u better. :lol: sage & onion
Ian & Snipes = Best Mates :sign5: Concord
More like his mother's basement.
sage & onion Ian & Snipes & Concs = Best Mates sniper420
with th IQ of HP what better retort can u think :roll: sage & onion [color=brown]Computer Dependency [/color]
[color=green]This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To know the answer, look down!!! [/color]
























[color=red]Not here, dummy![/color] sage & onion [color=brown]Bad Sunburn[/color]
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him." bushra21 :lol: dubailover Lol...hilarious...but don't say anything about Our Queen :D sage & onion An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house." sage & onion Mondays Joke of the day;
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Tuesday's Joke of the day;
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?" Nosferatu There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?" Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again." Nosferatu A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!" sage & onion Good one :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey, I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!" Legendkiller good one :lol: Legendkiller An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Austin, Texas. Sam, who's always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, sees a pair on sale, buys them and wears them home. He walks in the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room with nothing on, except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!!" Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. You shoulda bought a hat." Nosferatu S&O.... that was a gud one... Nosferatu A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom. The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?" The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?" She says: "Pepper." sage & onion An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." sage & onion Retirement- what do I do every day? Young people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi bastard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an asshole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket. I called his mother a slut and a whore. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I orally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. zam Bwahahhahahha sage & onion [color=red] It could only happen in Glasgow, eh? [/color]
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some
quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, f***ing stoap it then!" isabela :lol: nacdxb :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA ! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK THEY ARE NUTS sage & onion NELSON MANDELA Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Deala?" sage & onion POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER! A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... . . . (Wait for it). . . . . . . . . . . "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM." sage & onion Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either". sage & onion The Problem in Iraq President Bush met recently with his father, ex president Bush to ask him about the problem in Iraq, and what to do about it. In reply, George's father said, "Son, you have the same problem in Iraq, as I did with your mother. You didn't pull out in time." *************************** sage & onion A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!" isabela ...ache ache :!: :!: :!: :lol: sage & onion Vatican News Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate 100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to 300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate 500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it."and he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.....The good news is that the Church will come into 500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account" gtmash
But.....what is Hovis? Bread company? sage & onion
Hovis is a brand name for a certain type of brown bread in the UK. gtmash
Hehe, ok. Keep 'em coming. Palkid7 A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned to him "What the hell do you want?" The man smiled, then lay back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Royal Jordanian! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart. " zam :lol: :lol: :lol: easternjewel A short story about a millionaire in San Francisco who borrows $5,000 with a Rolls Royce as collateral. A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $15 bucks?" :lol: :lol: :lol: St.Lucifer
hahahahah :lol::lol::lol::lol: St.Lucifer
Good one , had got it some time back as one of those gazillion fwds but those days, it was an 'Indian Business man' :) Legendkiller A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get out of my cab" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later, having worked long and hard to attain financial success, he returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, way at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get out of my cab." said the cabbie. The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man lowered the window, gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver as they went by. gtmash
Indian businessman! NOW it makes more sense!
Good one about the cab driver too. sage & onion The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. isabela hey i have this on my email ... still funny..... :lol: zam Words dad :P Legendkiller A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?" sage & onion
Who your Dad Girl? asc_26
LK makes me laugh again. :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion *Subject:* chili cook-off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the score-card notes from the event: CHILI # 1-MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2-AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeños tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3-FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4-BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5-LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6-VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7-SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8-BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3- No Report sage & onion *Subject:* chili cook-off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the score-card notes from the event: CHILI # 1-MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2-AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeños tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3-FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4-BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5-LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6-VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7-SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8-BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3- No Report zam DONT'S when you are sleeping DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health. DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first. DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep. DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it. DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' HUSBAND 0R WIFE You may never wake up again. :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion [color=blue]A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes
a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of
night?"
"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?"
he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband
is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I
would have gotten out today."
*******************************[/color] pinoy1 A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile and pyromaniac in a psychiatric ward. SADIST: hey, why don't we torture a cat? ZOOPHILE: let's torture then f*ck it. MURDERER: you should torture it, f*ck it then kill it. NECROPHILE: once it's dead,. let's f*ck it again. PYROMANIAC: yeah! then let's set it on fire! **SILENCE** They all looked at the MASOCHIST and said "What about you? Do you have anything to say?" MASOCHIST: meow. :? pinoy1 In a bus, a lady hears 2 jamaican men engaged in animated discussion: "Emma cum 1st then I cum then 2 asses cum together. I cum once-a-more. 2 asses, dey cum together again. I cum again and pee twice. then I cum 1 last time." Lady: " you foul-mouthed sex-obsessed jerks, in this country we dont speak aloud about our sex lives in public places" Jamaican: " hey coola down lady, who talkin about sex? Ima justa tellina my friend how to spella MISSISSIPPI." ineedacoolnick Cowboy A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the rancher's widow said "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. " Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." Legendkiller A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.'' sage & onion Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. <Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". <Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow". Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome". Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing". jabbajabba A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down on your hang an nees and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." abdalrasheed
Interesting enough. Nice idea bushra21
so you wear bra's... abdalrasheed
Anyone is ready? dont want to wake up again. sage & onion
Hey AR you didn't answer Bushra's question :wink: abdalrasheed
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Not Really
but they pose a big obstacle abdalrasheed sage & onion Thank you 8) abdalrasheed you are welcome. But not always sage & onion
Whatever :roll: bushra21
you are not welcome ever. abdalrasheed
I never loose hope, Dear Bushy rammie The Bacon Tree >>> >>> >>>Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and >>>close to >>>death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the >>>inevitable, >>> >>>when all of a sudden....... >>> >>>"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet" >>> >>>"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". >>> >>>So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, >>>and >>>there, >>>in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. >>> >>>There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, >>>back >>>bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig >>>meat. >>> >>>"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree". >>> >>>"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't >>>forget" >>> >>>"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like >>>bacon...ees >>>no >>>meerage, ees a bacon tree". >>> >>>And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 >>>metres, >>>Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun >>>opens >>> >>>up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally >>>wounded >>>but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his >>>dying >>>breath. >>> >>>"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree" >>> >>>"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it? >>> >>>"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.. >>> >>>Ees >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>>Ees >>> >>> >>> >>>Eees a Ham Bush. >>> sage & onion Subject : RE: Ahhhhh... Christmas! There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $90, which they put into an envelope and sent it to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, again addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $10 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely yours, Edna" abdalrasheed The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?" abdalrasheed What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedroon with empty sacks! abdalrasheed Jane Doe - A 37 year old mother of two after being deceited by her best friend Shelley and husband Mark put a billboard ad in Birmingham City Centre Depicting as under: TO MY 'DEAR HUSBAND' MARK AND MY 'BEST FRIEND' SHELLEY, YOU ARE THE MOST DESPICABLE, DECEITFUL PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I'M DISGUTED. I'VE CHANGED THE LOCKS MARK, BURNT YOUR CLOTHES AND EMPTIED OUR JOINT ACCOUNT - TO PAY FOR THI POSTER. YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER. This story appeared in City Times pages of Khaleej Times of today. sage & onion What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!! abdalrasheed A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,I'm going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine." abdalrasheed A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a f*cking a*shole ..." abdalrasheed Wives never refuse to do following 3 : 1. shopping 2. Visiting her parents 3. .............. abdalrasheed Women stick to her one & only love Men want to spread love Women can only love with one Men can love many women at one time Isn't it a big difference between men and women sage & onion This poem was nominated for Best Poem of 2005, written by an African Kid
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
When I Born, I Black
When I grow up, I Black
When I go in sun, I Black
When I sick, I Black, and
When I die, I still Black
And U White fella,
When u born, u pink
When u grow up, u white
When u go in sun, u red
When u cold, u blue
When u Scared, u yellow
When u sick, u green, and
When u die, u gray
And--------- -----
You calling me coloured ???
******************************************************** gtmash
If the African kid is claiming originality, he is a damn liar. I heard this exact thing 15 years ago as a kid, from my Asian pal, who heard it from his buddies. sage & onion MAC :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: MAC
move this crap too! sage & onion
Not at all, best laugh I had all day :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion [color=blue]A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up.
One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way".
******************************[/color] rudeboy How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday: Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean? A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.... Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation? A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem..... Q. Does India have cars? A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes. Q. Does India have TV? A. No. We only have cable. Q. Are all Indians vegetarian? A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India. Q. How come you speak English so well? A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English. Q. Are you a Hindi? A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. Q. Do you speak Hindu? A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school. Q. India is very hot, isn't it? A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India. Q. Are there any business companies in India? A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work. Q. Indians cannot beef, huh? A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat. Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly? A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there. Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that? A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk. Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work? A. I prefer it to coming naked. _________________ rudey sage & onion Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Bridgetown who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Tampa and one of my sisters, who lives in Sarasota, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Miami. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Stark for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Manatee County Jail on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jacksonville and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush? Signed, Worried About My Reputation sauron >THE LONELY BRAIN CELL > >Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened >to end up in a man's head. > > >She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. > > >"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. > >"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. > >Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at >the >top of her voice, > >"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" > > >Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. > >"We're down here . sage & onion Actual Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! "
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take
the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did
you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! Yo u turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just
then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?" sage & onion [color=red]Santa and the Angel[/color]
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas
pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all
the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. sage & onion A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman sage & onion You know you're really trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Legendkiller An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR." sage & onion
Nastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Legendkiller i'm just getting started :twisted: A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married so she put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old man beamed a broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell didn't I?" gtmash ^ I guess he rang the doorbell with his tongue. No wait...that's still dirty. sauron :D Which reminds me: How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears! sage & onion A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff. 'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call a "chief worrier"! Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?' 'Certainly,' said the applicant. 'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?' 'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.' sage & onion A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." sage & onion A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Arab asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you... but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near total collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie...." sage & onion A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman errtime Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture! Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? A: Third grade. Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch. Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes. errtime O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" errtime Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!" errtime An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!" errtime An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex. The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed." The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!" The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!" errtime After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor? Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "Well for one thing, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur errtime sage & onion JOIN THE FERTILIZER CLUB - FREE! This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood. Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave. Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!! hack88 kinda lame sage & onion A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" bushra21
The gift
[color=indigo] To the girl[/color]
[color=green] To the guy[/color]

A diamond ring [color=indigo]
You're ready to get serious and spend the rest of your life with her.[/color][color=green]
You're giving up on sex with other women...at least as far as she'll know.[/color]

A diamond bracelet [color=indigo]
You're not quite ready to settle down, but you're still very much in love.[/color]
[color=green]The circumference of this bracelet is exactly how fat she can get before her ass is dumped.[/color]

A puppy [color=indigo]
You're a loving, caring individual who wants a permanent new member of the relationship.[/color][color=green]
Now when you want to watch football or go to a strip club, she can still get affection without cheating on you.[/color]

A scented candle [color=indigo]
While a little thoughtless, at least it shows you're willing to spend a romantic night together.[/color]
[color=green] She smells.[/color]

A spa gift certificate [color=indigo]
While something concrete would have been better, at least you're thinking of her needs and desires.[/color][color=green]
Maybe they'll be able to massage some of the bitch out of her.[/color]

A restaurant gift certificate [color=indigo]
It'll be nice to have a night out together.[/color]
[color=green]You'll wind up having to pick up the check anyway, so you might as well pay upfront.[/color]

A Best Buy gift certificate [color=indigo]
You're thoughtless and blind to her needs.[/color]
[color=green] Maybe she'll get the hint and furnish her place with some technology like a new TV.[/color]

An abortion clinic gift certificate
[color=indigo]Oh my God. [/color]
[color=green]
Don't get pregnant

[/color] zam :lol: sage & onion A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, Puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness it’s Friday, get it?" The man answered,"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday." sage & onion A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me." ***************************************************************** sage & onion This will warm your heart just when you have lost your faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor , Florida , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School : God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces . It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. =========================================================== sage & onion My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow." Not_Sure hahaha! excellent! Galactico haha :lol: :lol: Legendkiller :lol: sage & onion Here is an interesting substitute for the flu shot: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?" sage & onion Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. " Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." sage & onion A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies – ENJOY !!!! sage & onion When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly. "She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel." sage & onion After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern.' He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why? 'Oh that crazy old jerk,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.' Not_Sure love this sage & onion Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hamm, what a shame," one replied. The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends." sage & onion Battery Acid Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead." Little Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest replies, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby". Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!" bushra21
repeating jokes now are we sage :( sage & onion [color=blue]Dream Island
A normal 50 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on
an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and
coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop
of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on
her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes........ .
...
...
...
...
...
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"[/color] sage & onion [color=darkred] A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in
the jungles where he has spent years teaching the
natives when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them was how to speak English,
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He
points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a
tree ." The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a
little farther and he points to a rock and says, "
This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and
grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he
peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really
flustered and quickly responds, " Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills both of them!
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill
these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replies, "My bike. "
******************************************** [/color] zette nice one sage... :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion
Hey Stranger, how yah been? Tropic23
:thumbright: sage & onion After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to talk to his HR Manager. One morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. He looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. Manager:- How many days are there in a year? Man:- 365 days and some times 366 Manager:- how many hours make up a day? Man:- 24 hours Manager:- How long do you work in a day? Man:- 8 am to 4 pm i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ? Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third). Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days) Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends? Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days. Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? Man:- 18 days. Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 2 days sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 1 day sir! Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- None sir! Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days. Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! sage & onion A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot, sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150! She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
************************************** sage & onion AN ELEPHANT STORY! In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after Graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. It must not have been the same elephant. Not_Sure nearly cried...till i got a shock in the end followed by a laugh...hahah...good one. sage & onion 3 Pints Paddy

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and
he laughs.



"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!" sage & onion A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers. "I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk." zam :lol: sniper420
hahaha uncle sage I can use this for my ad campaing :P sage & onion
LOL, will I get my share of the Royalties?? :wink: Jeevan A man cursing his luck "I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb!" :lol: devilsdiciple :lol: :lol: sage & onion A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice." devilsdiciple Baked Beans I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday !" I fainted !!!!!!!!!!!!!! gracy A Girl Comes home and says Mommy Mommy I got five dollars! Where did you get five dollars from? The Mother asks. Tommy was watching me do a cart wheel. Honey don't do that again he'll see your pantines. The next day she comes home and says Mommy Mommy I got ten dollars! Where did you get ten dollars from? Tommy was watching me do a cart wheel. Honey what did I say? Mommy don't worry I took my panties off. sage & onion The Haircut A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut; and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut. The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" gracy President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy." Tropic23 :lol: :lol: :lol: gracy A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." :lol: :lol: sage & onion :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: gracy A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So, how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, the good news is, he thinks I am God!" devilsdiciple A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lovers spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes. gracy osama has seven wives. but none of his wife he sexually intercourse. why???? because every time he spread their legs he saw BUSH.... :D :D :D sage & onion [color=red]FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:[/color]

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex thinners. You probably got here just in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "Amen."
************************************** Tropic23 :lol: :lol: :lol: Great!!! gracy The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" :D sage & onion A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in Engineering," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault." sage & onion Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he'd done. Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room. She says, "So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren't you now? Says Paddy, "Now why would you say such a thing?" "Well," she says, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." benwj An old one, but worthy of a place on Sage's JOTD. Condoleza Rice was giving her usual morning brief regarding the war in Iraq to Geroge W when she came to the sensitive issue of the number of casualties. "I'm affraid that there were 3 Brazillian soldiers killed in Iraq yesterday Mr President", she said. Mr Bush was clearly shaken and fell back into his chair will his hands over his face. Several seconds later, he regained his composure and asked "OK, exactly how many is a brazillion". gracy a priest had just got off work and saw a drunk driver racing down the street,so the priest followed him when he got over in the opposite lane a truck almost smashed him so he swerved to avoid it and crashed into a tree the drunk driver then pulls over and walks to the car then he says "are you ok" the priest says "yeah thank god the lord was with me" the guy replies "next time you should let him ride with me you almost killed him" sage & onion
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: devilsdiciple Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. Concord Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Of course, he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy. Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over. Letter 2 Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter. Letter 3 Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy. Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church. She thought her plan had worked. "Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy walked down the street to church on the corner. He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home. He ran to his room and shut the door.. Leroy began to write his letter to God. Letter 4 Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike. Signed, You know who. sage & onion Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, But we don't have a ladder." The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans. gracy HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer. errtime 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill." 4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead." 5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." __________________ gracy all because of hearing into DIFFERENT LANGUAGE Root of problem: The chinese name - Annie Wan (Anyone) Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone) Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about ? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry) Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!! sage & onion IRISH COFFEE An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband's failing libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra." "What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?" "That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?" "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" errtime so its ww2, and the nazis have invaded poland. a group of nazi soliders attacks a village, but a young priest manages to escape. a nazi solider follows him. the priest soon comes to a dead end, and the solider has already caught up with him, so he knows his time has come, and he kneels on the ground and starts praying. the solider aims his gun at him, and is about to pull the trigger, when he hears a voice from the heavens...." stop! i am god. the man you are about to kill will be pope one day." so the nazi solider says, "but god, whats in it for me?" god replies " you too, after him." errtime ^^^^ bump sage & onion Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!' gracy Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." sage & onion An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do? " He replies, "Put a battery in your hearing aid". sage & onion A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"! Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast. Tropic23 lol gracy Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. "Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter. "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun. Not_Sure Are we allowed to laugh in here? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA :lol: sage & onion A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names". The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago". ************************************ gracy In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money. Then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!" :D St.Lucifer ^^ :lol: :lol: :lol: gracy One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said excitedly, "I know! I know! He said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" sage & onion Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" gracy A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!" sage & onion Jamaican Comedy KageofSoul
PMSL!
If I may do the real translation... just for the heck of it ^_^

When she first came on stage...
Stage host: Maybe you'd like to tell me a little about your outfit...
Miss Jamaica: [color=red]Disa one original artical outfit disa no[/color] ~~~ This is an original article outfit.
The questions...
Host: Maxine, what's the first thing you'll do if you become Miss Universe
Miss Jamaica: [color=red]Leme tell yu first ting right... this contest one iidiut business yu know. The man dem surroun me wid a buncha maaga, maaga white gyal, who naa eat not'n but raatid salad. And me cyaa find no Oxtail (A Jamaican Dish) and no Rice and Peas no place! And me tired of dis iidiut white byuy a ask me... This iidiut white bwuy a ask me, me business you muss tell him fi guweh! Bombo Cluut![/color] ~~~ Let me tell you first... this contest is stupid you know. Thhe people had me surrounded by a crowd of skinny, skinny white girls, who eat nothing but damn salad. And I can't find any Oxtail (A Jamaican dish) or Rice and Peas anywhere. And I'm tired of this stupid whit guy asking me about my business. Tell him to go away! Ass Wipe! (Literally)
Proceeding the bizarrely contorted translation...
Miss Jamaica: [color=red]How yu tell da man me seh dem tings. Me neva seh dem tings. Why yu seh me seh dem tings. This man a Butty Bwuy![/color] ~~~ How could you tell the man I said those things, I never said those things. Why did you say I said those things. This guy is a faggot (Butty bwuy = homosexual... God knows where that came from O.o).
Host: Well thank you Miss Jamaica. What's an uh... Butty Boy?
Jamaican Translator: It means you're a man among men. (i.e. a homosexual)
Host: Let me say in your native tongue... [color=red]I'm a butty boy and a dotty bombo cluut.[/color] ~~~ I'm a faggot and a dirty ass wipe.
Now that was the best Jamaican Comedy I've seen in ages ^_^ Reminds me of the good ol' Real McCoy. Though you'd probably have to know Jamaican to get the Humor.
gracy *Unfaithful Hubby* Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?' He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.' Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.' sage & onion
Thanks for the translation, did you enjoy? nosoup4u Dear Staff, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of work since last Christmas, the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help after Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Thank you! Sincerely, The Management Purple Complex That last one with interesting, but you may want to bypass the word filter. Wherever is says tasty it actually means SHIT - Special High Density Training. sage & onion
The filter is for a reason, this can be viewed by anyone, if you want to express yourself in this way the fight club was formed for that reason. KageofSoul
Yeah, as I said. It was the best Jamaican Comedy I've seen in ages. And it was just as fun to translate it all ^_^ Purple Complex
Apologies, I thought it was just standard as I have seen members using all types of profanity over the forum with no objection from the mods. sage & onion
Whilst this is true, the Mods do try to edit as and when they can. Of course exceptions will always get through the net. sage & onion [color=blue]Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, t ook his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.........
***************************************[/color] KageofSoul [color=red]A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of asshole would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of asshole that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
OH SH>>>!!!
[/color] Purple Complex Here's an old one...
[color=olive]A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!![/color] gracy
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: gracy A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?" She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!" sage & onion It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'' The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. ''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.'' She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''. The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. ''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ... ********** sage & onion Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses." sage & onion Chelsea returned from a date, and Hillary asked her if she had a good time Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?" Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad." gracy [color=red] polite way to go pee...
A little word from Johnny to start the day..
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.[/color] sage & onion [color=indigo]Subject: Tequila Test

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on thecounter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender stuffs it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"[/color] sage & onion **The Urinal Is Too High** A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside , helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." "No, ma'am, " he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race." Not_Sure HHAHAHAHAHAAHUHAUHAAHAUHAUHAUHAUHAAHAHHAAH :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion [color=darkblue]A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in
New York City .
He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a
Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what
she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So,
what are the differences? "
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite
simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The
Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked,
"So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
******************************[/color] sage & onion [color=darkblue] Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the
following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman
Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making
Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can
Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the
Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort,
not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want
Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and
Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human
Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on
Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already
Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence
Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remote: For Men Only

***************************** [/color] sage & onion The Knob A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:- First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked ! at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." gracy [color=red]*AFTER THE SURGERY*
After a great night of love making, a man in bed turns and spots a picture of another man on the lady's table. "Who is that? You're husband?" he asked nervously, "No" the lady replied. "Your boyfriend? Surely its your boyfriend" "no" she said.
"is it anybody you have had any relationship with?" he asked even more nervously. "No silly! you look so hot when you're frustraited". "Then who the hell is it?!!?" he cried. The lady replied,
"Me before surgery"[/color] Tropic23 Hahahahah :lol: sage & onion Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? Signed, Perplexed sage & onion The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running." The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending this delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you do it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running." A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth and after the delivery she approached the old gentleman, smiling, and said, "Well, you surely are something else. How do you do it?" The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running." The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman, "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black." xibit this thread is such a loving eye sore, every time i come on df after 2 week or so this thread is there s and o please let it die. sage & onion
It's a strange thing for you to say when you consider it has the highest post / read ration in the forum, what I could suggest is that if you don't feel like a laugh, simply ignore it. sage & onion [color=red] Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.

You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me.

Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life! [/color]------------------------------------------------------------------
[color=blue] Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you. [/color]************************************ sage & onion [color=indigo] It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......
************************************* [/color] sage & onion These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Duh............. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ********************************* sage & onion Sigmund Freud's Priorities Test: You may need a Pen and Paper. Five things are happening in your house at the same time. In which sequence would you solve them? 1. The telephone is ringing! 2. The baby is crying! 3. Someone's knocking or calling you from the front door! 4. You hung the clothes out to dry and it is beginning to rain! 5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the water is already overflowing! In which sequence would you solve these problems? Write the sequences and check below how your decisions were made. BUT BE HONEST, THE FINDINGS ARE EXCITING. First write YOUR sequence from 1 to 5 then scroll below and read after! Every individual point represents something in your life. On the list you can see which meaning every point has: 1. Telephone represents Work 2. Baby represents Family 3. Door represents Friends 4. Clothes represent Money 5. Tap represents Sex Your chosen sequence determines the priorities in your life. Now.... You may not believe!!! Most people did turn off the tap first!! ************************ sage & onion She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday... gtmash ^I'd say ringing the door bell is a little easier than the dirty deed. Unless he just lies there. sage & onion Drunk Irishman... A drunk Irishman who smelled like beer sat down on the Underground next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the Irishman turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes and by not washing." The Irish drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had just said, nudged the man and said apologetically, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The Irishman answered, "I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." sage & onion A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. sage & onion DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. ______________________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. _______________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. __________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have the dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. ____________________ DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. _______________ DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX I saved 1600 lives today.......... Twice !!! sage & onion Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk. a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder D) Transubstantiate Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination. I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning. k) Look, it would be great to go with you but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning. l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off. n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge. o) I really believe in prohibition. p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city center wants to see my bare behind. q) No...you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours. r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities. s) I'm sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home. t) A creamy cocktail followed by 4 shots of tequila....surely would be no good for my insides. u) Me? go for a pee in the mens room because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so. v) I'll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning. ************************************************* sage & onion [color=red]During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "
************************[/color] sage & onion After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. "Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?" Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill." Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter. When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them. Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!" A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?" An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..." A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words." A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!" A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'" Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you." A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward." Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!" A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop." I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM." A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here." When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead." A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!" The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!" The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued." I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!" A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?" gtmash ^I expected all those jokes to come together somehow, like those art movies. sage & onion [color=brown]After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting was a perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, ea t a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, wagga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
Nexta time, I'ma gonna take a da bus..."[/color] sage & onion [color=blue] The top twelve Auto e-mail replies;
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed, so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
************** [/color] sage & onion [color=indigo] The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window. [/color] gracy **IT IS GOOD THAT U R THINKING*** A preschool teacher is having a lesson on colors. She has an intuitive curriculum, and wants to get her students thinking. She starts off saying, "I am thinking of a green vegetable. What is it?" A boy says "Brocolli" and the teacher says, "No, it was a green pepper. But it's good to see that you're thinking." Then she says, "I am now thinking of a yellow fruit. What is it?" A girl says "A lemon" and the teacher says, "No, it was a banana, but it's good to see that you're thinking." Dirty Ernie says, "I've got a good one, teach. What's in my pants, is long, hard, and has a pink end?" "ERNIE!!!" shrieks the teacher, "IT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I'M THINKING OF!!!" and Dirty Ernie says, "No, it's a pencil, but it's good to see that you're thinking." sage & onion A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it." _________________ aarif George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?BobAnd what is your question, Bob?I have 3 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?Just then, the bell rings for recess.George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, Ok where were we?Oh, thats right. Question time. Who has a question?A different little boy raises his hand.George points him out and asked him what is your name?SteveAnd what is your question Steve?I have 5 questions.First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?Fifth, where is Bob? sage & onion A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you. St.Lucifer :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from > someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey" "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" sage & onion After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." ***************************** gracy ***supernatural s6x*** There was a convention of psychics and supernaturalists and one of the topics discussed was "Meetings with ghosts". The speaker asked the gathering who has ever seen a ghost. A large number of participants raised their hands. He then asked the group who has actually had physical contact with the supernatural. Again, a large number of people raised their hands. He then asked if anyone had ever had s6x with a ghost. One man in the back row raised his hand sheepishly. "You sir, in the back. You have actually had s6x with a ghost?" The man in the back says "What?" "I repeat, you said you had s6x with a ghost? Please tell us more." The man replied "Oops! Sorry. I thought you said goat!" sage & onion After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sage & onion Sorry double post sage & onion A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"! The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things: First - The bartender is a blonde girl. Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 275 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter, and Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." sage & onion A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse and about 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, there were about 200 men walking single file. Unable to control his curiosity, he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man walking with the dog said, "My wife is in the first hearse." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-la w. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." sage & onion [color=blue]Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, and so am I. "Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. ! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Eric, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Eric?" [/color]
[color=green]"The Murphy twins are drunk again[/color] sage & onion Men are happier people... What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Her Wedding dress - $5000. Your Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. sage & onion Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!' Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.' Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!' When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?' His wife said, 'Yeah, I do!' Boudreaux said, 'Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-forty sage & onion After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !" sage & onion Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine. Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows! Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows. They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull. _________________ sage & onion A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" sage & onion Double post :roll: sage & onion A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" bushra21 are you repeating jokes sage o.O sage & onion 4 guys died in a car accident and went to heaven. God told them that heaven is a really big place so everyone needed a car to get around smoothly and quickly but you cant just have any car ,it will depend on ur past life and how faithful u were to ur spouse. 1st guy - God,besides my wife,i dreamt of her freind and wanted to have sex with her.i got her to the hotel but changed my mind. God - well my son, that bad but i forgive u.here is ur key to the mercedes benz convertible in the lot. 2 nd guy - God, besides my wife, i slept with 2 other women God - now that a problem. here is ur key to the nissan maxima 3rd guy - God, i slept with 4 women besides my wife God - whoa there son,now thats wrong.here is ur key to the toyota in de back 4th guy - God ,besides me wife, i slept with 13 women. God - that really evil.here is ur key to the 1987 honda with a flat tire. heavy hearted,de 4th guy took de key.a week passes by and every one is enjoying their cars in heaven, oneday, they saw de 4th guy parked by the road and was weeping heavily.asked why? he said, i just saw my wife and she was riding a bicycle...................... sage & onion [color=darkblue] A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull out your tooth [/color] Jeevan There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it." sage & onion I Love this DOCTOR!!!! HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of you! r car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is getting in-shape important for my l ifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!" sage & onion An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." sage & onion Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?' Al replied, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.' When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?' and the waiter said, 'I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks.' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said 'No sir, no Mexican Jews.' Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'Gringos' gave the expected answer, 'I will check again, Senor!' and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico , our people are scattered everywhere.' The waiter returned and said 'Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asked once again. 'I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!' 'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated waiter, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.' sage & onion A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." bushra21 ^ :lol: sage & onion The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply." A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply." Jeevan One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends." sage & onion Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!" sage & onion A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father." The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many." The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar." sage & onion Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay... I guess 7," said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "2," said the second man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week." Donnabelle
LOL Donnabelle A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." Donnabelle A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" sage & onion A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....." ****** hjkp_00 Check this site out. . I am sure this help in what you are trying to find out. sage & onion One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote". sage & onion WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE..I'M BROKE!! A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied! a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a very good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand sage & onion THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. sage & onion Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

[color=blue]P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.[/color] mr12ka4 Spame deleted MOD redtilldead keep the jokes coming! :D sage & onion A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!" sage & onion A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." sage & onion Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for An hour." Husband : "I was just looking for the expiration date." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife : "Do you want dinner?" Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife : "Yes and no." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at Your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes!! "I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap." ________________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman re plied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning." -------------------------------------------------------------------- A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor." sage & onion One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, " I will take him and him and him." sage & onion A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, 'Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check. 'Dere's no charge,' he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' Boudreaux says, 'it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched the heads.' sage & onion A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with , telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. zam Bwahahahahahaha............. :P sage & onion
Hey Zam,
Where have you been?, long time no see.
How are you doing? SCY 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" I hope the oldies in the forum will not be like George. :P sage & onion Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager. sage & onion Bob stood over his tee shot on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob. "Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here." sage & onion On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is dead silence . Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome. tall, well built, dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Sinewy muscles ripple across his chest and flat, six-pack abs. She gasps. He whispers. “Iron this - and then get me a beer." sage & onion A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real live one tonight, Dave." sage & onion A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?" sage & onion Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here." The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?" sage & onion An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!" sage & onion [color=red]1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office) [/color] HP
I wana be Amercian so that i can kill the people for no reason :lol: ^ian^
Rush Hour 3 - great movie.
Here's me thinking you were going to say something witty to Sage. sage & onion Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?" "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them" sage & onion How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out. sage & onion An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car. As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American. The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!" The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!" The American thinks "that Canadian idiot felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!" The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!" sage & onion A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" sage & onion Dear Americans (I hope nobody really gets offended by this, it's all just for fun) To the citizens of the United States of America... In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). sage & onion Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'." sage & onion How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out. smartd That's a repeat Cheers, D sage & onion
Ooooops, soory D :lol: :oops: sage & onion WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! sage & onion The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: The students had to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. They would tell the story and moral to the class the next day. The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. " Well tell us about Aunt Karen" "Ok" said Johnny, "Aunt Karen was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the ___ away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." sage & onion The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" sage & onion Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists. sage & onion Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'" sage & onion A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?' Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn. St.Lucifer The Chairman of the Peoples Republic of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything." ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept: Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that.. Bush: What buildings? What people?? Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now? Bush: It's eight in the morning. Musharraf: Oops...I will call back in an hour! ============ ========= ========= ========= ==== Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !" Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!" ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== Pakistani on the moon: Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon? A: Problem... Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon? A: Problem... Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon? A: Problem... Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon? A: ...... Problem Solved!!! ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog" ======================================================= sage & onion At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." sage & onion A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening." sage & onion Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!" Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on. A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?" The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired." The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants." sage & onion A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia." sage & onion A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." sage & onion A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. While driving home from the dealer in her new car she cuts off a semi, almost driving it over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle in the dust and tells her that she can't move or he will kill her. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up the blondes leather seats. He turns around and sees that she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, gets out his baseball bat, and starts smashing her windows and denting the car. He looks over and sees that shes laughing. Hes really mad now, so he takes the knife and slashes the tires. He looks back again to see that the blonde is laughing so hard that shes about to fall over. He demands, "What is so freaking funny?!?!" She then takes a deep breath and says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!" sage & onion Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation." ahamed s & o rocks! :shock: :D sage & onion It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache." sage & onion Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello?" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 500. Is it okay if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "80.000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 1,500,000." MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than 1,250,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?" sage & onion A Blind Mans Sport A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack". gLoBalTeCh 3 INDIANS and 3 PAKISTANIS are travelling by train to a Cricket match at the World Cup. At the station, the 3 PAKISTANIS buy a ticket each and watch as the 3 INDIANS buy just one ticket for them all. 'How are the 3 of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the PAKISTANI. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the INDIAN. They all board the train. The PAKISTANIS take their respective seats but all 3 INDIANS cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please. ' The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The PAKISTANIS see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the INDIAN style on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for three on the return trip. To their astonishment, the INDIANS don't buy ticket at all!!! How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed PAKISTANI....... 'Watch and learn,' answers an INDIAN. When they board the train the 3 PAKISTANIS cram into one toilet and soon after the 3 INDIANS cram into another nearby toilet. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the INDIAN leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the PAKISTANIS are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please.' The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The INDIAN takes the ticket and goes back into his toilet sage & onion So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer. -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet. sage & onion A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1 As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of required warnings appears below. Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected. Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed. sage & onion An Unusual Ailment A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper." sage & onion The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either." sage & onion A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." sage & onion Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued and were still arguing when the train hit them. sage & onion A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the "statue." Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." sage & onion A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." sage & onion A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk." Desert Scorpion Had some great laughs reading this lot :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sage & onion A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee. "Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it." "What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log." "I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun." DubaiInformationSite guys what about "yo mama" jokes? something very popular in old american high schools. has it spread across the globe or is this something that never left out of america? i.e. yo mama so fat, that when she is in the elevator i KNOW it's going DOWN! i.e. yo mama so fat, i went to hug her and my arms ran out of room The Dubai Information Site sage & onion In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" uaekid Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" sage & onion Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'" sage & onion A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife" replied the hunter. quatroporte
this is a good one :lol: :lol: sage & onion
Glad you liked it, lol RedKite O. RedKite ALGUIEN TIENE QUE DECIRLE QUE ES: ¡ -TAN SOLO UN HONGO-!!!!! RedKite Sorry, my pic did not come through for a great joke,that I received. I tried to copy it off an email. Not worked. RedKite 4th attemptSaludos, O. ALGUIEN TIENE QUE DECIRLE QUE ES: ¡ -TAN SOLO UN HONGO-!!!!! Saludos, O. ALGUIEN TIENE QUE DECIRLE QUE ES: ¡ -TAN SOLO UN HONGO-!!!!! RedKite 5th attemmpt:- ALGUIEN TIENE QUE DECIRLE QUE ES: ¡ -TAN SOLO UN HONGO-!!!!! ALGUIEN TIENE QUE DECIRLE QUE ES: ¡ -TAN SOLO UN HONGO-!!!!! RedKite Sorry, not working . I'm trying to transfer a picture from my web-site. Some of the words are coming through but not the dirty postcard ,funny picture. It's hilarious!! Pity! RedKite Why does a dog lick itd b*lls ?? Because it CAN!!! RedKite Subject: Fwd: FW: Are You Keeping Up With Current Fashion? Here’s a good giggle for the afternoon Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked? Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention RedKite Subject: Brown is my Shepherd > "Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work. > > He leadeth me beside still factories. > > He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party. > > He guideth me to the path of unemployment. > > Yea, though I wait for my dole > > I own the bank that refuses me. > > Brown has anointed my income with taxes > > My expenses runneth over my income > > Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term > > From hence forth we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home > with an overseas landlord > > I am glad I am British > > I am glad that I am free > > But I wish I was a dog > > And Brown was a tree ....." > sage & onion A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!" The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?" RedKite THE GOLFING NUN....... A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' ? 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?' sage & onion A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" "Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book." quatroporte lol ^^^^ sage & onion What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. RedKite A young man called Peter wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Peter got the knickers. Good old Peter sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter: Dear Mary, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love Peter. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. RedKite The Italian Lover, a virile, middle-aged gentlemen named Antonio was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he proceeded to rattle her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Antonio reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Antonio smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Antonio reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Antonio fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian sage & onion Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian." RedKite HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just good friends.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: __________________________________________________________ Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian __________________________________________________________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: ____________________________________________________ Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.. Love, Mum LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER sage & onion A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf." RedKite A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Thirty-four," she replied. uaekid A mother want to make sure her daughters are satisfied in their marriage and of course want to know how good their sex life is , so she agreed to contact the 3 of them by code massages throw the local news paper adds!! The 1st wrote (morning mom, I'm missing my Maxwell coffee ) so the mother looked the Maxwell coffee add and found their logo ( satisfying to the last drop :lol: ) so she knew she is doing well in her sex life The 2nd one wrote ( I'm missing my sleep high mattress ) so she looked sleep high mattress adds and their logo was (nice & quite) again knew she is doing well The 3rd one wrote a strange massage !! (emirates airline !) so the mother quickly looked emirates airline adds and found ( Huge..4 times aday..7 days a week..Both directions !!!!!) :lol: :lol: :lol: RedKite An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said "no", but he had told a donkey to f**k off once ! RedKite A chap called Joe is sick of his wife. She is a right bitch and trying to rob him in a divorce case.
He is down the pub one night and bumps into an old mate called Artie. Joe pours out his troubles and says the only way out would be for him to kill his wife. But he would get a life sentence if he did it himself .
With that, Artie offers to kill her. "How much money would you want"? says Joe. Artie says....."I'm an old friend, I've done this sort of thing before!! It does not bother me!! Tell you what......as a friend I'll get rid of her for £1 " !!!
Joe is absolutely delighted . "Where does she go in the early part of the week ?" says Artie.
"Well , to bingo on Mondays, and to Tesco on Tuesday evenings "! offers Joe.
"Bingo is far too busy, but Tesco is quiet on Tuesday evening " says Artie
So Artie is given a photo,puts his gloves on and goes to Tesco on Tuesday evening to wait for Joe's wife.
He spots her in a quiet ailse ;sneaks up behind her and quickly throttles her !! But , as she drops on the floor , an assistant spots him and grabs Artie. Artie is very strong. He turns around and grabs the guy by the throat and strangles him.
As he rapidly leaves, he is rugby tackled from behind by the manager. A furious struggle ensues. Artie eventually gets the upper hand and throttles him. Then he makes a run for the door !! TOO LATE!! Other staff have phoned the police and Artie is arrested.
The following day, the local paper carries this headline [say it out loud] :-
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND IN TESCO !!!! RedKite It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.' sage & onion A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." RedKite I LOVE that last joke. One of the best I've heard for a while. RedKite A Russian woman married a Canadian man and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.) What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English! I worry about you Dubai lot sometimes!! Go back to putting VISIT followed by DUBAI into Google , I reckon!! sage & onion A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!" sage & onion A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." RedKite Dave gets very drunk in a disco one night and picks up this tart. He takes her home to bed. After screwing her for an hour he falls asleep. In the morning, he wakes up to find the ugliest bird he's ever met, sleeping alongside him. He crawls out of bed, unable to stand , due to a thumping head ache. He crawls on all fours over to the dressing table , lifts his bleary eyes to the mirror to see his sorry-looking face. Then , through half-open eyes, he notices a little string hanging out of the corner of his mouth. He says .........." Please god........let that be a tea-bag!!!" RedKite Good joke!! DDS A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The redneck nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered "well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." The trainer exclaimed, "So that's what finished him off!" "Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!" climber_73 good one... sage & onion Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." TheChoosen There are three moms. . A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed" They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a pe#is" :shock: :shock: TheChoosen A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. RedKite A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." RobbyG
Priceless :lol: RedKite A married man was in a supermarket queue , when a beautiful blonde woman in the next queue shouts over..... " Aren't you the father of one of my children? The man is very embarrassed and goes very red. Then he splutters......."Are you the woman I made mad passionate love to on a hotel billiard table, when me and my mates went away for a stag weekend a year ago .......while all my mates watched us ,cheered loudly and whipped my buttocks with their ties ? The woman looked extremely shocked and puzzled....................................No!! I'm your son's English teacher!!! " RobbyG
Can they get more priceless! ROTF LMAO
Unbelievable, this is optimum :lol: :wink: WhiteJade
I've read a Chinese edition before, the s*x part being excised...sooo people's republican :roll: Misery Called Life Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press: "Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed." Misery Called Life Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck Misery Called Life At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator. The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." PointGiven
That's so funny. I had tears :D sage & onion Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver." Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after." Tim Patterson Some of these are freaking hilarious. Bora Bora A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Mrs. Graber says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Mrs. Graber asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Mrs. Graber: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Mrs. Graber: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Mrs. Graber: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.' Mrs. Graber: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Mrs. Graber: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... ' dresden sage & onion Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly. DDS Italian Tomato Garden:
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie Bora Bora ^^^Love it!!^^^ sage & onion A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." RedKite Why does a dog lick its *****??? Because IT CAN !!! freeneasy1 "How stock markets works" It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it Going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It’s definitely going to be a very cold winter. ” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely” , the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever. ” “How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy.” DDS A NEWFOUNDLAND farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the Transport company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now, Judge.. .... what would you say?' RedKite Here is one sent to me at today. Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus O'Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken!!!!!" { Sorry, Patrick!! I'm only repeating it.....Enjoy your cold Guinness!!] RedKite Defendant was in court . The judge, who was a bit hard of hearing , said to him............................. " What have you got to say for yourself ?" Defendant replied to the judge........"F*ck all m'lawd !!!" The judge looked surprised and said irritatingly to the defendant's solicitor ........."What did he say ?" Defendant's solicitor replied ......."F*ck all m'lawd!" "That's funny!", said the judge......."I could swear I saw his lips move!!" RedKite Subject: Fw: A redneck love poem SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. Scotsman Drunk scot in bar attempts chatting up attractive lady: DS: wow, is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven? AL: it's a stairway to heaven, but I've already got a twat up there so get lost! :shock: WhiteJade Guy A: Look at my avatar! It's Kung Fu Panda! Guy B: Oh. Your Papa's a duck. redtilldead Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" Scotsman A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'. The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' RedKite Chap goes out with a prostitute . He drops his pants and she sees LOCH tatooed on his old boy. She says " Oh, you must be a Scotsman !" He says, "No I'm not , I'm from North Wales and you are in for a hell of a thrill!" "Just give it a rub !! That isn't LOCH ........It's LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTISILIOGOGOGOCH !!!!" Scotsman female touris in Scotland stops man in kilt and asks "would you mind it if I put my hand up your kilt? I've always wondered what you scots keep up there" Scotsman replies " not at all, on ye go" The women puts hand up scotsman's kilt and says "ooh, thats gruesome" Scotsman says "aye, put yer hand up agin and it'll have gruesome more!" Scotsman A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value". RedKite Scotsman, You say it "grew some more" with the Scotsman !! It may have !! His old boy was tatooed too , but he was only from AYR !! The Welsh guy was from LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTISILOGOGOGOCH!! His dick said so too!! RedKite So it must be Dick Van Dike on here and Dick Emery !! Richard Attenborough must be Dick Attenborough!! Why is that ?? sage & onion
Is this a joke? RedKite Well, Sage, It IS a bit of a joke that the common-place shortened name for RICHARD cannot be said on this site because it is regarded as swearing , hence Dick Van Dyke ; Dick Tracy : a detective is a private dick ; Dick Emery etc etc. The whole thing is bananas !! Anyway.....ANOTHER joke.. The Black Bra I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild s*x all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?" Scotsman
LOL :D
PS can you say 'dyke' on here?? maybe it should be banana van peach, or something :wink: Scotsman Carradine walks into a scots bar: 1st scot: is that kung fu? 2nd scot: nah, he's only had 2 pints hee haw! RedKite Who you know the first Welsh lesbian mentioned in history ??? ...............OFFA'S DYKE !!! Mind you !! She was only a border-line case !! RedKite Sorry...typo ...."DO you know ".....not "Who you know" ! Bora Bora Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes” WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only 3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: ”300,000? MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking 850,000? MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!” MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone knows whose phone is this? ” Speedhump I always love that one. Another favourite: Benny and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives Benny a big kiss on the mouth, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies Benny, 'that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies Benny, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more facelifts, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jacob?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies Benny. *pause* "Ours is prettier," says the wife. Speedhump OK, some one liners: Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't. After you've been married for a while, the women will start choosing your clothes. If you protest, they'll say: "Dressing is a privilege. You abused it, and now you've lost it." People like that are the reason that we have middle fingers (this one's not so funny in the UAE....). A single fact can ruin a good argument. (true, Chief..???) Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again. I always wanted to be something, I just wish I'd been more specific. I’ve known him as a child, an adolescent and as a man; sometimes all on the same day. (OK, I'll own that one) My wife is a water sign I’m a earth sign. Together we make mud. I tried to make money as a kid. I had a lemonade stand for about six weeks. I made no money. I had to burn it down and collect the insurance. (just your usual Dubai rags to riches story!) Strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. My mother always told me that sex was something disgusting and dirty, that you save for someone you love. WhiteJade Boy: You've lovely teeth. Girl: Really? Thanks. Boy: What flavor is your tooth paste? Girl: Strawberry. Boy: Nice. Girl: What about yours? Boy: Mint. Girl: Nice. Boy: Ever wondered how mint+strawberry tastes? Girl: ... RobbyG
Girl; .... ever wondered how a foot up your ass feels like? 8) Bora Bora
Is that it or are you holding back the punchline? Speedhump Boy: You've lovely teeth. Girl: Really? Thanks. Boy: What flavor is your tooth paste? Girl: Mint. Boy: (pulling out a pack of fruit flavoured condoms) Ever wondered how mint+strawberry tastes? Girl: ... (too polite to speak with mouth full) :tongue8: Bora Bora
:lol: WhiteJade You(plural) simply ruin all the beauty of it. Girl remains silent because she is kissing! Jokes can be beautiful, too. RobbyG
:lol: RobbyG
I like this one too :D Speedhump
Robby. Backpedalling = going downhill :P RobbyG
oh shaddap, you could use a beating :wink: Speedhump
needs a man though, not a boy on a bike :P :D Misery Called Life
:lol: Sh is his element here! :lol: RobbyG
Allright, thats IT ! :lol:
I see this guy in front of me, and old English fooker at his late 40´s perhaps early 50, standing on a pier, dock 6.
He´s holding some kind of a hose, with what appears to be a drum of oil next to him...with a little pump on it :D
I take my distance, use my skills to aim this molotov cocktail that I have in my hand right onto that good ol´ barrel you got standing next to you.
And before it hits the spot, I yellll: ´Oy Englishhh, run while you still can´ :lol: ...And I step on it to get the hell out of there... that BMX bikey I suppose to have.
:twisted: Speedhump :D then you woke up.... ...but funny, hey turn it into a 120 page novel and we'll see about finding a publisher for you. Mind you, you better read that Frenchy's book first to steal a good escape story, to get you out of Dubay double fast.... :D RobbyG
What a lame threat that was... 8)
Lets just settle this with a beer at your place. Always wanted to meet your daughter :wink: Heard so many things about her already :lol: Speedhump How was I threatening you , I'm supposed to be toast already in your little fantasy, right? I was talking about the Dubai Police coming for you (they always get their man, like the Canadian Mounties). :D Daughter????? Watch that, buster...I am BIG on revenge and never ever give up, my fingers reach around the world.... :rr: RobbyG
Oy, its the pope you talking to here. Beat it... :D
The Smooth :bigsmurf: Speedhump :D :D Smooth smurf, not Smooth Criminal? Surely there should have been a tip of the hat to MJ there in this of all weeks...? :P (but at least you said Beat It...) RobbyG
If I used criminal, I would have lost all my chances with your daughter, SH.
I´m smooth remember :wink: Bora Bora Hey, you two need to get your own thread or room. Get back to the jokes!!! RobbyG
What jokes? This thread is officially HIJACKED :lol: Bora Bora
Hey, that's my job. You wanna ruin my reputation?? :lol: RobbyG
I know luv. Just returning the favor ;) sage & onion Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.' canuckbid RedKite Subject: NAG NAG BLOODY NAG An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had Failed and he was feeling worn o ut and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on Him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on: And on: And on…… Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went And poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot Soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as He dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, Jam es Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally; Realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go Upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom Door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, and Drying his legs and feet! "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!" trafficlinq Ginne Grants the Wish A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SH*T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" trafficlinq ITS DARK IN HERE A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says. canuckbid That last one was pretty good!
You think your job is bad?
trafficlinq Which part of your body goes to heaven first?
The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?
" Suzie replied:"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your
hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest
look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs
straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have
lost her."
Hypothetical and realistic
One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and
realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million
dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if
she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You
see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores." RedKite Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier- New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night! trafficlinq Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple
in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,
kisses her
on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give
him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Whats good for gosse
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had s*x for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."



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